


HSWC 2014 Bonus Round 1 Fills

by spockandawe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ableism, Alcohol, Asexuality, Awkward Flirting, Awkwardness, Bad Parenting, Black Romance, Blood, Body Horror, Books, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Child Abuse, Confrontations, Courtship, Developing Relationship, Drunkenness, Embarrassment, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, FLARP, Fashion & Couture, First Dates, First Meetings, First Time, Flirting, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Helmsman, Illnesses, Infection, Knitting, Libraries, M/M, Mild S&M, Mild Sexual Content, Music, Nightmares, Other, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Panic, Pesterlog, Praise Kink, Predestination, Romantic Gestures, Serious Injuries, Silly, Snark, Swimming, Teasing, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-25 19:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 19,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1659128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockandawe/pseuds/spockandawe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All my written fills for the first bonus round of the 2014 HSWC. Some of these go into potentially upsetting topics, but relevant warnings for each of the stories are listed in the notes at the beginning of each chapter.</p><p>These prompts took the form of "Remember when....."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remember When Terezi Smelled Karkat's Blood Under His Skin?

           Terezi Pyrope is a godawful fucking terror. She’s intimidating enough online (not that you’d ever admit it out loud because come _on_ ) and now here she is in person swinging that hideous dragon cane sword around like a full-grown legislacerator, and you’re caught flat on your feet and uncomfortably aware that it was more luck than skill that you killed those imps. And yeah, _fuck_ your life, turns out hours of CruelTube video tutorials don’t teach you actual skill with your sickles, and you’re pretty sure that at this point a brisk breeze could take you out, while everyone knows Terezi’s been killing kids with Vriska for sweeps. Terezi Pyrope is made of sharp edges and grins with more teeth than any one troll should have and she’s terrifying and you just asked if she wants to team up.  
  
           Okay, that’s being generous. You said some junk about strong the imps were and how a dead annoying teammate was worse than a live annoying teammate so if she wanted to stick around while you fought off the monsters for a little while (and maybe try out that kickass jump-slash combo because you’re sure you’ll get it this time), you’d try to keep your disgust to a minimum. She laughed. She laughed for longer than was nice and you had to stomp off so she didn’t see your ears going bright red and you were figuring that’s it, time to go back to humiliating yourself all alone instead of humiliating yourself in front of _her_ , but she followed you and slapped you on the back hard enough to make you stagger.  
  
           She doesn’t let it go, because god forbid Terezi Pyrope play nice by any decent social standard. It’s a good fifteen minutes before she bothers to vary on the theme of being a ‘delicate little flower who needs the protection of a big strong threshecutioner’ and extends her repertoire to include such classics as ‘maybe you could teach a poor unlearned girl how to _really_ fight’ and ‘don’t move too quickly or you might leave the helpless blind girl behind.’ She can’t even keep a straight face for that last one, and once she gets cackling it’s strangely infectious and you catch yourself almost smiling before you stop it and feel some of the nervous tension unwinding in your stomach.  
  
           And then she trips (on a completely flat piece of ground, fuck, it’s the _paved_ part of your lawnring, and you were a better actor than her when you were two sweeps old), and catches your arm and tucks herself in close and you're winding up to say something loud and angry but it all deflates out of you when you get distracted feeling her tucked up against your side, all grinning like she doesn’t care that you know what her game is. There are sharp chilly ribs digging into your side and there is _no reason_ that should be cute. You stumble over your words, something lame as hell about how maybe you should find her a seeing eye barkbeast? God, you don’t want to remember was you said because past Karkat is a _moron_ , and you’re already wincing at her inevitable reaction, but she only pats your arm sympathetically and says that even the strongest of all trolls are vulnerable to her feminine wiles.  
  
           That startles a laugh ( _one_ laugh) out of you, and the tension fades away a bit more and things are almost normal between you again. You kill some imps together, and you think you maybe manage to look a little cool sometimes. And when your awesome jump-slash move fucks up she’s even nice enough to pretend like she didn’t smell the whole thing. You’re kind of hoping that this might be a thing? A thing that lasts? It turns out you don’t even mind your hideous mutant-red planet anymore because it makes it that less likely that Terezi will stiff out your hideous mutant-red blood. And you make a pretty kickass team even if she’s providing a disproportionate amount of the ass-kicking at the moment. But she sighs and pats your actual _cheek_ (and okay you guess you’ll take that from her) and says that her quest and your quest don’t really overlap so she has to stay out there and you have to stay right here.  
  
          She comes in for a hug before she goes, though, and there’s an awkward moment where you’re not really sure what to do with your arms because, uh. Have you ever hugged anyone but your dad before? No. And it’s so weird (so nice) to have her there and patiently waiting while you figure out where your hands go, and then when you’re all wrapped up together she gives you a _fucking tight squeeze_ and takes a deep whiff of your neck. And stops. And takes another deep breath. You freeze, and you’re not sure whether to bluff or run, but what’s running going to do? Terezi Pyrope could take you apart in two seconds flat. Even about half a breath from panic, you manage rude (what can you say, it’s a natural talent) and ask her what the hell she’s doing. She giggles and says she just getting a good picture and asks if you have any photographs she can take to with her to remember you by. You relax because yeah, classic Terezi, and anyone who figured out your blood wouldn’t be _giggling_ , god, and say something snide about her slobbering all over other people’s things (and you’re not going to tell her about the photo album you put together for dad for Twelfth Perigee’s Eve last sweep). You wave her off as she heads to the gate, and you aren’t sure what the range of her nose is, but you keep waving until a few seconds after she’s disappeared, and walk back to your hive wearing a goofy-as-shit grin.


	2. Remember When Aranea Convinced Terezi To Let Her Restore Her Sight?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Emotional manipulation, ableism

                It’s the faint surprise you smell on her when she says “You don’t think you would be more capable with the ability to use of one of your most basic senses?” It sends you from calm to furious in the space of a single breath, and you have to stop for a moment and not say anything because you’re _so much smarter_ than she is and it’s not going to come across if you shout at her without getting your thoughts in order first. And then she goes and adds, “I wouldn’t have expected such a short-sighted attitude from a seer of mind.”

                There is _so much_ you want to tell her. You want to tell her about how you lost your eyes, and how that’s what made you into who you are. You wouldn’t be _Terezi_ if you were seeing her instead of smelling her, if you hadn’t fought to overcome a handicap and outdo everyone around you despite it. You want to tell her about being a scared lonely kid without eyes and without a mom who pulled it together and _survived_ , and who _thrived_ and loved life the way she was. You want to tell her about the pride you feel when you keep up with Gamzee, when you _beat_ him even though he’s twice your size and the most terrifying awful troll you’ve ever met, and you want to tell her about how you’re so good that your friends forget that you’re blind at all and it’s the best joke you’ve ever known, and you want to tell her how happy you are to be _you_.

                You do. You tell her all of it and repeat yourself over and over and stay admirably calm and coherent, and she just sits there with that faintly puzzled look on her face until you’re out of breath. “But if you’re already the way you are now, what do you lose by regaining the ability to see?” You gape at her for a moment, and her smile is so polite, but so _mocking_. “It seems that you’d retain your prowess as well as gaining a whole new advantage at no cost to yourself, and that this resistance is nothing but fear of change.” You shut your eyes tight on the verge of angry, frustrated tears and she _laughs_ at you so horribly gently. “I just feel like it would be an unkindness to watch you go on as part of a troll when you could be made whole again.”

                You are whole. You’re _you_ , you’re Terezi and there’s nothing _missing_ about you because you’re happy with the way you are. You explain again, try to tell her that how being blinded and being blind shaped you and how you hated it and loved it and wouldn’t change a thing. She only hears that you hated it.

                It’s exhausting. It’s a conversation that happens in every dream bubble you share, because she is horrible and awful and won’t stop asking you if she can do it. It’s exhausting to say no and be told over and over again that you shouldn’t fear change, but light isn’t the same is mind and _she_ can’t see the way _you_ can, and you can see that she’s changing you regardless. Every dream bubble Terezi Pyrope changes that much further into an unsure, ashamed girl. Every conversation, Terezi Pyrope is taught to hate herself just that little bit more. At some point, Terezi Pyrope becomes too tired to say no, and all it takes to make that one irreversible mistake is for Terezi Pyrope to say yes.


	3. Remember When Nepeta First Met Equius?

**== > Nepeta: Approach troll**

                You will not approach that troll; you are purrfectly content to observe him from your spot up high in this lovely tree. As far as you are able to tell, he’s hunting, and there are certainly trolls that aren’t picky about what meat they bring home! He _had_ several bows with him, but they are all extremely broken by now. He does seem to be quite strong, and so you are very very happy to stay up out of his reach and sight. In fact, you are not too happy to admit it, but you are maybe a little furrightened! After the seventh bow or so, was angry enough to punch the tree right next to yours and the trunk broke right in half. As strong as the furrocious huntress is, she is fairly certain she is less sturdy than a tree trunk.

                He eventually runs out of bows (without managing to fire a single arrow, which is so very silly you have a hard time not laughing out loud). You’re hoping that maybe he’ll leave so you can fiiiiinally climb down and get your hunting done, but instead he sits down and leans up against the trunk of _your_ tree! You’re frowning very hard at him, but you’re not dumb enough to pick a fight with someone like that, so instead you take your sketchpad out of your sylladex and draw a picture of a big blue sweaty dumbbutt. You think you’ve purrfectly captured his essence!

                You’re starting to even get a little bored of drawing by the time a big antlerbeast wanders into the clearing. You’ve been stuck up this tree fur long enough that you’ve gotten pretty hungry and that would be enough meat to feed you and your mom for a week! But the dumb sweaty troll is ready too, and he’s climbing slowly to his feet while the antlerbeast keeps a wary eye on him. You rollllll your eyes. This is so dumb. You could maybe beat him to the kill, but there’s no way you could get away with the whole animal before he caught you, and based on what you’ve seen? Yeah, he’s going to screw this up.

                You aren’t at all surprised when he lunges for the antlerbeast with his bare hands and the animal pivots and dashes off through the trees before he comes even close. What does take you by surprise is when the troll turns back around and punches the trunk of _your_ tree!! It splinters, and you have to scramble madly to make the jump to a neighboring set of branches. You glare down at him _most_ furrociously, but he just gives you a sour look before stomping off across the clearing and sitting down against another tree. He is disregarding the fierce huntress entirely!

                Since he does already know you’re here and isn’t actually trying to kill you, purrhaps it is safe to come down? You move slowly, ready to scamper back up if he makes any sudden moves, but he is ignoring you most determinedly! Once you reach ground, you’re torn between heading off to find food and head home, and just a pinch of curiosity that has absolutely never ever gotten you in trouble. You edge a little closer and he only looks steadily off into the woods in the opposite direction.

                Finally, when you’re _fairly_ sure he isn’t going to jump at you, you ask, “Don’t you have a lusus to hunt for you?”

                You can see his back stiffen, but his voice is flat when he replies, “My lusus is recovering from an unfortunate injury.”

                You edge a _little_ closer. “You don’t know how to hunt?”

                _That_ gets a reaction out of him. He turns and glares at you, and you’re halfway to the trees before you stop yourself. “It is not an activity befitting a troll of my stature.”

                You giggle. You can’t help it! “Eating isn’t an activity befitting a troll of your stature?”

                His face flushes bright blue and he turns away again. You feel purrhaps a _tiny_ bit bad for teasing. “Would a troll of your stature like to learn from a master huntress?”

                You get another _very_ sour look for that one, but he stands and faces you. He is certainly tall and strong, but if he can’t even manage to feed himself, you can’t _quite_ find it in yourself to be scared of him. “The first step,” you grin, “Is to _be_ the furrocious feline.”

                “Foolishness,” he mutters, but you can see his faint smile, and you are daring enough to grab his hand to drag him out into the forest.


	4. Remember When Porrim Continuously Stood Cronus Up On Dates As A Way To Blackflirt With Him?

                The wonderful thing is the way he never learns. Tonight, as he is serving dinner, you are taking off your dress and slipping into boxers and a worn-soft shirt. While he’s fixing his hair in the mirror and sending you carefully casual messages about when you’ll arrive (you silenced your phone), you’re picking out a trashy romance novel and a bottle of wine and slipping into your recuperacoon. You’re sure you’ll have at least an hour before he finally realizes you won’t be showing up.

                He never learns, but tonight’s date was a thing of particular beauty. It started with a casual conversation, where you mentioned the raw fish dishes Damara used to sometimes make and asked if he was familiar with them. Of course he _said_ he was. He practically claimed to be an expert. Of course, then you were sure it would be no trouble for him to arrange an... _intimate_ dinner for two.

                You’ve already heard about his frantic scramble to learn how to prepare the foods he supposedly knew how to make. He even tried to ask Damara for advice. She didn’t give it to him, of course, but she dislikes him enough to take a great deal of pleasure from passing the story on to you. And to obtain the fresh fish necessary, he would have had to travel to his own hive, a journey of at least four dream bubbles. And he _hates_ his hive, which was not something you failed to consider in your plan. That was at least a full day of being alone with nobody to flatter or be flattered by, and working to find several very particular fish in an irritatingly small corner of the ocean. Taking that day to relax and pamper yourself was almost as satisfying as taking _this_ night to relax and pamper yourself.

                All the lights in your hive are off except the single small lamp next to your recuperacoon. The window of your respiteblock is carefully cracked, but the curtains are drawn. You’re sipping your second glass of wine when you hear him outside. He hisses your name, quietly at first, but increasingly louder as he gets no response. You can hear the frustration in his voice when he asks if you’re fucking _there_ , and it makes you smile and lean back against the side of your recuperacoon.

                You hear a wet flop outside. Is— Is he throwing _fish_ at your window? You sneer and it feels even better than the smiling. What a loathsome, repulsive person he is. His voice isn’t at all quiet by the time he runs out of fish and rude things to call you, and you wouldn’t be at all surprised to find he woke up your neighbors. It’s entirely possible your entire circle of friends will know what happened within a day, and won’t that just be a dreadful shame? When he finally leaves, you finish your wine, read through a few wonderfully steamy scenes in your book, and sink into a deeply satisfying sleep.

                In the evening, you make a show of cleaning up the scraps of fish littering the ground outside your hive. Kankri comes by to ask what happened, and you are oh so very shocked when you tell him you think that Cronus may be attempting to blackflirt with you. You tell him in _strictest_ confidence that Cronus came to your hive entirely unprovoked and spent quite some time attempting to get your attention through your respiteblock window. Your version of the story will have spread to your social circle within the hour and you expect Cronus will be too busy sulking to try badmouthing you until at _least_ the following morning, and by then, nobody will believe what really happened. He will positively _loathe_ you. You’re already looking forward to standing him up again.


	5. Remember When Rose Was So Nervous For Her Date With Kanaya That She Got TOTALLY WASTED?

                You suppose the best way to describe the feeling is soft. It was a gradual change, but somewhere around your third or fourth glass, things started to blur together inside your head and out of it. It’s extremely interesting and you would be interested in noting down some stream of consciousness writing to compare your current mental processes to your more normal state (but not now because your phone is on the other side of the room and when you stood up you almost fell over so you think this chair is a good place to stay yes you’re staying right here). You’re going to be sober by the time you meet Kanaya. You are going to sober up _so hard_. But um. You’re just handling your anxiety through certain chemical methods until then.

                It’s—See, it’s really simple. You don’t want to mess up with Kanaya. That would be the Actual Worst Thing. Except, like. See. She’s a beautiful special alien who fights with chainsaws and wears the prettiest clothing all the time, and even if you managed to alchemize a nice outfit for tonight, you’re still the girl who walks around the meteor in silly orange pajamas the rest of the time. So, you know. Since she’s her and you’re you, it’s _totally_ natural to be stressing out just a little. A lot. And alcohol! People drink their problems away all the time. And you grew up observing the _master._ No no no that’s really dumb of you to say because your mom was way more awesome than you gave her credit for, and if she was here now she could totally tell you how dates are supposed to work because you get this awful feeling that romance novels aren’t _quite_ the most accurate source to learn from, and if she drank stuff that tasted this nasty all the time then she was much more badass than you gave her credit for.

                So yeah. You’re just taking the edge off before you go see your awesome maybe-going-to-be-your-girlfriend. Except um. The room’s spinning even while you’re sitting down with your eyes shut, so maybe you should stop. You’re going to put this glass down. After one more sip. Okay, yeah. Whoa. You just missed the desk entirely and there’s a big alcoholic puddle on your floor. But you heard that alcohol evaporates? You think? Oh god, you don’t feel good. You manage to make your way to a sink, even though you can’t remember exactly how you got there. You draw a cup of water with your eyes closed and then staying upright is officially Too Much, and you sink down to the ground.

                You sip your water, but existence is pain, and you think maybe you want to keel over and just expire now. But then you’d miss your date. But then you wouldn’t have to be stressed about your date. But _then_ you wouldn’t have any chance to go from maybe-an-alien-girlfriend to actually-an-alien-girlfriend. Ugh, who are you even kidding. You don’t have a chance with her. You act all smart and. Stuff. But she’s so elegant and refined and you’re a dork in orange pajamas. You focus very hard on finishing your water so you don’t have to think about that anymore.

                At some point you fall asleep, leaning against the sink, but you come awake all at once with a jerk, and you are absolutely positively one hundred percent sure that you just missed your date. When you stumble back to your room and find your phone, you’re not late. You’re okay. It’s okay. You even have a few minutes before you need to leave. Just enough time to uh. Powder your nose. When you go to the mirror and take out your lipstick, the room swims all over again, and hey. Turns out your makeup is _just fine_ the way it is no touch-ups needed here. It’s time to go and you’re still not back to normal, but it’s not like it’s as bad as when you went for your water. That means you’re practically sober, right? Right. Just keep it cool, and nobody will suspect a _thing_.


	6. Remember When Kanaya Took Care Of A Drunken Rose After Rose Had Just Confessed Her Love For Kanaya And Fallen Down A Flight Of Stairs, And Then Kanaya Helped Rose Nurse Her Hangover?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, it fits pretty nicely as a sequel to that last one!

          Your head _hurts_. Everything hurts. You can’t decide if you’re dying or you just _wish_ you were. Your head is absolutely pounding and you don’t want to move anything ever again, but when you crack your eyes a little you’re surrounded by a sea of soothing purple and you realize you must be in your bedroom, even though you have no memory of how you got there. There’s a softly glowing white spot to your side, and a flash of green on black, and red fabric, and you _close your eyes tight shut again_ because it turns out that the most overriding thing you are feeling at the moment is _shame_.  
  
         You hear her shift and stay frozen right where you are. You are a horrible, horrible actress, but surely you can manage to convince someone you are unconscious. If you are very lucky you may even actually pass out again. You could definitely sweep the season’s acting awards with how well you are pretending to be asleep. Instead, you hear Kanaya lean forward and whisper, “Rose?”  
  
          You are torn. You might continue to pretend that nothing happened and never ever speak of it again. But if she’s here and—could she have been the one to take you back to your room? Perhaps there is the smallest chance you haven’t ruined absolutely _everything_. You’re still weighing your options when you are distracted by wonderfully cool hands on your forehead brushing your hair back, and before you can think better of it, your eyes fly open.  
  
         You can’t help wincing at how bright she is in comparison to the dimness of your room. She flinches back, and begins to pull away, but with your eyes tight shut again, you manage to grope blindly for her wrist and catch her. Your head is pounding but you would absolutely never forgive yourself if you managed to make this worse than it already is and manage to drily say, “I think I must offer my apologies for being such a complete and utter embarrassment.”  
  
         She laughs at you—but gently—and pats the back of your hand. “Then I think I must apologize as well for being—less than aware of the nuances of what was passing between us.”  
  
         “I am afraid that I must insist that I am at greater fault than you. In fact… I believe I may not be entirely able to remember parts of yesterday.”  
  
         There is a dreadful pause, and you manage to crack your eyes. She looks hurt and you try to brace yourself for what will come. Instead, she is hesitating when she finally says, “You do not—remember—?”  
  
         You feel yourself blush red-hot because of course you remember _that_. How could you _not_ remember? Of course, you would rather not recall your own behavior, and you are positively _mortified_ at how you almost fell down the stairs, and you are _quite_ certain you were unable to express yourself as clearly as you had hoped—But. But you do take great pleasure in remembering her arms around you and her lips against yours, and despite how drunk you must have been, you certainly hope to cherish _that_ memory for quite some time. But Kanaya is already turning away and attempting to stammer out an apology, which is absolutely ridiculous because she has done nothing to be sorry for, and you half rise to stop her before the room swims and she catches you as you begin to lose your balance.  
  
         “I have been learning from Dave about human ‘hangovers’,” she says as she eases you back onto your pillows. “After eliminating several of his more improbable of suggestions, I believe I am still left with ways to address your condition. Would you drink this?” She holds up a glass of water.  
  
         You shut your eyes again. “I don’t want to sit up.”  
  
         “Rose, your fragile alien anatomy requires water for survival.”  
  
         You can’t help smiling. “As does yours, of course.”  
  
         When you crack your eyes, just a hair, she’s smiling too. “I think you were attempting to offer me your apologies, before? I have heard the saying that ‘actions speak louder than words,’ and I do believe that drinking this water might assure me that you actually mean what you said.”  
  
         You’re laughing as you rise to your elbows, and she slips a hand behind your back to help you upright. You pause for a bare moment before leaning up against her side. “I do believe I may have acquired a sneaky, manipulative girlfriend.” You stop, your cheeks go bright red, and it is utterly _mortifying_ when you stammer, “I—I—Unless you weren’t—I didn’t mean to—”  
  
         However, she wraps her arm around your shoulder as you attempt to pull away, and she is the _kindest_ , most wonderful person in the world because she changes the subject. “Dave told me that I should cover you in raw fish to assist in a faster recovery.”  
  
         “Ahh, yes. In fact that approach only applies to the males of the species, so while I am afraid it would be useless for me, we should keep it in mind if Dave is ever similarly afflicted.” You smile up at her, as sweet as can be. “It’s so he can absorb essential nutrients through his skin.”  
  
         It takes some time to work through your glass of water, and then Kanaya helps you back under your sheets. She pulls them up around you, and is even gracious enough to tuck the edges in tightly around your body, just the way you like best. She settles back into her chair next to the bed and takes out a book, and the last thing you are aware of as you drift off is the soft, soothing sound of turning pages.


	7. Remember The Time Sollux Heard Aradia's Voice Among The Imminently Deceased, But Decided It Couldn't Have Been Her?

          Trolls being trolls, the voices of the imminently deceased are a constant low-level murmur in the back of your head. You try to pay a little attention because hey, you want a heads up if anything bad is going to happen to the few people you actually care about. When you were a wriggler and just figuring out what the voices meant, it was hard to ignore them, but after sweeps and sweeps you guess you just got good at tuning them out.  
  
         Today you have Aradia visiting you in person at your hive, and she’s just the fucking best to hang out with, because she knows just how much talking you need, and she can tell without asking when you start to hit an upswing or downswing and always knows exactly what to do to make it easier on you. Serendipity, biitche2. You’ve invited her once or twice when your neighbors were culled to move into your hivestem, but she likes the country too much, and she knows not to bother asking you to move out of the city, so you make the most of these nights you get to spend together.  
  
         You talked a lot in the early evening, but you’re programming now while she cleans and catalogues a pile of artifacts she found last week, and this is probably the most comfortable silence anyone’s dealt with ever. You’re in such a programming groove that the whole external world _and_ the voices are all fading away when you hear Aradia say something and laugh.  
  
         You shake your head to clear it, turn around and say, “What?”  
  
         She looks up from her pottery shards. “Sorry?”  
  
         “I didn’t hear what you said.”  
  
         She laughs. “I didn’t say anything! You were working. You must be hearing things.”  
  
         See, no, that’s the worst thing to hear, because if it wasn’t real it was in your head and wow, _no_ that is _not_ something you can deal with nope nope—  
  
         Aradia sees the look on your face, drops the pottery and is right up there against you in about half a breath. She squeezes you tight and paps your face and leans up against you all warm and comforting. “That’s not what I meant. There must be millions and millions of trolls just on the planet, and when you get a population that large you’re bound to have people that sound like other people.”  
  
         A little of the nervous tension drops out of your stomach. You slip an arm around her back and pull her up close against you. “You’re not doing anything dangerous in the next few days, are you?”  
  
         “No,” she laughs. “Just FLARP.”  
  
         “Who are you playing against?”  
  
         “Team Scourge.”  
  
         You freeze again. “I don’t trust Vriska.”  
  
         “None of us do, I think! But she stopped trying to actually feed us to her lusus sweeps ago, and Tavros and I can handle whatever she dishes out.” She kisses you on the top of your head. “Plus, Terezi keeps her in check.”  
  
         “Message me when the game is over?”  
  
         “Of course! This mission should be fun, and I can tell you all about it.”  
  
         You take a long, deep breath and let it out slowly. “Maybe spend the day at my place after?”  
  
         She paps you again and kisses you on the tip of your nose for good measure. “Stop worrying! I’ll come over and we can stay up late talking, but only if you promise to just relax and enjoy yourself.”


	8. Remember That Time Karkat Tried To Knit Rose A Cat Sweater Without Asking For Help With It?

          Oh god she’s opening the present and this is possibly the worst mistake of your impressively mistake-ridden mess of a life. Maybe it would actually be _less_ embarrassing to grab it and run, or maybe you could burn it? Is there anything you can use to set it on fire? But _shit_ you’ve hesitated too long and she’s looking at you like she knows what you were thinking, and she’s got it all unwrapped, and oh, would you look at that. It’s the actual worst moment of your life.  
  
         She begins with, “Wh—”  
  
         “It’s a sweater,” you interrupt. Ahaha. You are a master of dignity. Also you think you might actually literally die if she had to ask you what it was. Okay, maybe it’s only technically a sweater if you’re being really, _really_ generous in how you define the word. It sure is a knitted thing with two arms and holes on top and bottom. The arms aren’t quite the same length. Or close to the same length. For fuck’s sake, what do they expect when you do them at different times and it turns out you’re better at making a sleeve on your second try? Not that either one’s _perfect_ but on the second one you can kind of almost ignore the dropped stitches. And somehow you ended up adding new stitches in along the body of the thing and yep, the neck’s about the size of the waist (but no, see, you can tell it’s the neck because that’s where the sleeves are attached, ha).  
  
         Rose is smiling at you in that godawful way that means she’s about ten steps of everyone else. “I was _trying_ to ask where you learned intarsia knitting.”  
  
         “It’s a cat.”  
  
         And oh look, here’s the subtly different, equally awful smile that means she’s winning and she knows it. “Of course it’s a cat. I’m simply curious about how you taught yourself to do this.”  
  
         “I don’t need you to patronize me!” you snap, because god forbid you learn to take it gracefully when someone wants to be nice to you. “That looks nothing like a cat and you know it.”  
  
         “Of _course_ it looks like a cat. Look.” She nudges at your knee and before you can think better of it, you move aside on the couch to make room for her. She spreads the sweater across your lap and yeah wow you think you could probably die happy if you never had to look at this thing again. “See? Here you simply had difficulty in maintaining proper yarn tension while you worked with multiple strands, so although your counts were correct, the end design does appear somewhat warped. You accidentally cast on two extra stitches _here_ , which then skewed the number of stitches, and even though you adjusted for it two rows down, it did rather affect things.”  
  
          “Fine! Okay, I get it, it’s hideous and it turns out I’m as awful at knitting as I am at everything else. I think we’re done here; I have to go wash my lusus. I mean my hair.”  
  
         She grabs the back of your shirt and pulls you back down before you can take two steps. “I _mean_ this is an impressively complicated first-time project, and you did admirably. You are aware, of course, that even single-color intarsia knitting is considered an advanced technique? And you used… six colors? And shaped knitting is, of course, a difficulty in its own right. Am I right in assuming that this is your first project?”  
  
         You sit there dumbly for a second, and when you open your mouth, all that comes out is “Like hell it looks like a cat.”  
  
         She laughs at that, but it doesn’t have much bite to it. “I will say that I have _much_ more personal experience with bad knitting than you do, and I do promise that I _can_ tell that it’s a cat.”  
  
         She lets you run away after that, but whoops, turns out this ordeal isn’t over yet because she shows up _actually that evening_ in the common area wearing your sweater while she sips tea and reads trashy romance novels. When you see her you choke on your grubloaf and Terezi has to pound on your back until you can breathe again. Okay, that’s it, then. Worn once to be polite, and thank _god_ , you’ll never have to see it again. Except she wears it the next night too. Dave eventually asks where it came from, and you’re already flinching and getting ready to abscond, but Rose deflects him smoothly without even looking up from her book. She wears it again. And again. Eventually you have to kind of almost concede that it does look sort of like a thing that was actually meant to be worn as clothing. She keeps wearing it. At some point you find yourself going back to the online kitting tutorials and catch yourself thinking that maybe you might try making something new for Rose.


	9. Remember When Mituna And Latula Met For The First Time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for very gentle body horror, of the consensual helmsman variety. It's a sweet, happy story, I swear.

          When you meet him for the first time, he’s sitting behind the playset outside your introductory-level official schoolfeeding building and crying. You walk right up and ask, “What’s up?” because hey, you’re curious!  
  
         He gives you the dirtiest glare you’ve ever seen and uses some really inventive curses that you’ve _gotta_ remember, and whoa, that’s totally cool, his eyes are different colors. Is he in your class? Probably, but you can never keep people straight! You laugh a bit to show him that you know he didn’t mean any of that nasty stuff, and say, “Is something wrong?” You mean, duhhh, of course _something’s_ wrong but you guess you’re supposed to actually ask questions if you want answers.  
  
         He sniffles, wipes his nose on his arm, and carefully says, “Fuck you.”  
  
         When his sleeve slides back, you can see his ports, and uh, _cool!_ “You’re a helmsman!”  
  
         Ooh, that gets you a happier sniffle. He turns his hand over so he can show off the ports arranged all around his wrist. “Yeah! Gonna helm Her Imperious Adoration’s ship when I’m grown up.”  
  
         You snort. “Pfffft. Everyone knows you can’t measure full psi power until after your last molt!”  
  
         He gives you a watery grin. “They had to build new machines to measure me _now_ , so I’m going to be the strongest helm they’ve ever seen, just watch. _And_ her current helmsman is tutoring me when he’s on-planet.”  
  
         “No way!” You take a step closer, lean down to look at his ports, and pause. “Can I touch them?”  
  
         Whoops, that makes him pull back. He chews on his lip a bit, and you’re all getting ready to apologize and back off when he speaks up. “I think there’s something wrong.”  
  
         “Wrong?”  
  
         He holds out his arm to you and oh nooo, he’s starting to tear up again. “They don’t look right, and they itch all the time. But I can’t scratch, because I’ll mess them up _worse_.”  
  
         Yeah, uh, you definitely don’t know anything about helmsmen, but his wrist doesn’t look so good. The skin around the ports is all puffy and yellow, and it looks like the port caps are digging into his arm with how swollen it is, and that can’t be good, right? “Maybe you should see a doctor?”  
  
         He pulls his wrist back and _whoa_ does he look pissed. “Don’t be _dumb_. What if they take them out?” Awww, nooo, he’s actually crying now, and you wanna maybe give him a hug, but is that right? Are you allowed to do that? “They only just got put it and I probably won’t get them back for _sweeps_ and then I won’t be able to get my other ports and I won’t _ever_ get to helm—”  
  
         Screw it, time for hugs. You don’t even mention that your shoulder gets stained all yellow! It takes _so_ long to convince him that a doctor probably won’t cut out his ports now but they might have to if his wrists get worse, and you think it’s like an _hour_ later when you finally get him to agree to at least ask your teacher what she thinks he should do. Hey, at least you get a whole new education in curse words out of it.  
  
         Your teacher takes just one look at his wrists before she starts bustling around, talking about things like ‘infection’ and ‘blood poisoning,' and bundling Mituna (ohhhh, that’s his name, whoops) into a shuttle to get him to the nearest helm specialist. Once he’s gone and she comes back to the classroom she pats you on the head and calls you precocious for culling the poor dear, and you less than a sweep out of pupation! You stick your tongue out at her when she turns around, because uggghh, that wasn’t what this was about at _all_ , but you can’t do much else right now.  
  
         Mituna’s back in class the very next night, and his ports are right where they were before. You’d been a _little_ worried because he’d been so worried, but it turns out all he needed was some cream to rub into his wrists three times a night. He even lets you do it! Medicine is usually a ‘controlled substance’ or whatever, but Mituna has a special letter saying he can carry his stuff around the schoolfeeding building. And because you’re helping (not _culling_ , adults can be so dumb), you get to carry the medicine too and carefully apply it to his ports. It’s about a week until his wrists are back to normal, but whoa, that was totally just a week where you spent all your time together. Hanging out is kind of a habit by now, and it’s really easiest to just keep doing it even without the medicine to worry about, and hey, you think you maybe just made a new best friend.


	10. Remember That Time Porrim Spitefully Cleaned Aranea's Library?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](http://spockandawe.tumblr.com/post/86434828406/relationships-porrim-aranea-rating-t-words)

          You hum to yourself as you work. It’s so _rewarding,_ helping a fellow troll. And really, Aranea’s accumulated so many books by now that she should be grateful that you’re willing to spend your evening organizing them. You continue humming and sorting, even as you hear her hive door swing open and footsteps ascending the stairs. You carefully continue to ignore her as she opens the library door and freezes.  
  
         “ _What_ are you doing?”  
  
         You give her one cool look before returning to your sorting. “Isn’t it obvious?”  
  
         “What’s obvious is that you’re meddling with _my_ hive, and you need to leave.”  
  
         This time you don’t even bother to look at her, just wave a dismissive hand. “Once I’m done organizing. Really, I don’t know how you managed for so many sweeps with such an inefficient system.”  
  
         You watch out of the corner of your eye as she looks around, taking in all your changes, and you don’t even bother trying not to smile at the look of horror on her face. “My _books!_ What have you _done?_ ”  
  
         “They’re organized by genre, now.”  
  
         “They _were_ organized by author because genre is _irrelevant._ ”  
  
         She’s baring her teeth at you now, and isn’t that just the cutest thing ever? You feel so terribly threatened. “No, you fail to understand. Here, I’ve put everything that’s useless, right next to the things that are simply _wrong_ , sorted from most to least inaccurate. _This_ shelf is devoted to… what’s the proper term? Friend fiction?”  
  
         Her face goes blotchy blue, and there’s another victory for you. Not that you would keep score, of course. “That was _private!_ And _hidden!_ This is the, the most shameless imposition on my hospitality and I really must insist that you leave my hive right now, right this moment--”  
  
         You give her a carefully casual shrug. “Oh certainly, the stories were under the false bottom in your desk drawer, but I assumed that if you were careless enough to keep hard copies, you must have wanted them to be read.” The blue is spreading to the tips of her ears and down her neck, and you can’t resist pushing that little bit further. “Of course, I’ve sorted them by amount of sexual content.”  
  
         She makes a strangled little noise that fails entirely to resolve into words, then she spins and runs, slamming the door behind her. Even from where you sit, you can hear her rushing down the stairs and out the front door. The next few minutes are spent laughing, but then you really must get back to work. If you finish quickly enough, you’ll have time to leave written reviews on the _remarkable_ number of stories she seems to have written about you.


	11. Remember When Equius Nearly Killed Dirk During Sex?

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
     CT: D --> I believe I must again offer my most sincere apologies  
     TT: Bro.  
     TT: You need to chill, okay.  
     TT: It was an honest mistake and you need to stop beating yourself up over it.  
     TT: Didn’t you say that was my job?  
     CT: D --> Oh  
     CT: D --> Oh my  
     TT: Yeah, that’s right.  
     CT: D --> But  
     CT: D --> No  
     CT: D --> The injuries you have sustained  
     CT: D --> There can be no question that they were due entirely to my own carelessness  
     CT: D --> An unforgiveable lack of control  
     CT: D --> And e%cessive STRONGNESS  
     TT: Nope.  
     TT: I just told you to stop beating yourself up.  
     TT: In case you missed it, that was a direct order.  
     CT: D --> This is  
     TT: Get yourself a towel, bro.  
     CT: D --> No  
     CT: D --> I mean yes  
     CT: D --> I find myself in great need of a towel  
     CT: D --> But I cannot disregard the seriousness of this incident as you are determined to  
     TT: Dude.  
     TT: There’s a difference between just ignoring something and carefully considering it and deciding there’s no reason to flip out.  
     CT: D --> No  
     CT: D --> It was f001ishness to think that I would be able to  
     CT: D --> Well  
     CT: D --> Without doing you e%treme harm  
     CT: D --> I can offer no guarantee that such a situation will not arise in future  
     CT: D --> In fact, I am inclined to say that there is nothing I can do to prevent such problems  
     TT: Don’t be so down on yourself.  
     TT: That was our first time.  
     TT: There are things that can be done.  
     TT: We can adjust to this.  
     CT: D --> Dirk  
     CT: D --> You cannot ask me to go through this again  
     CT: D --> You will not  
     TT: Hey.  
     TT: Relax.  
     TT: Just going to say it again, and please note that this is a direct order: RELAX.  
     TT: I’m not such an asshole that I would do that to you.  
     TT: And believe me, I’m not so keen to experience the other side of it again either.  
     TT: You have to trust me when I say that I want you to enjoy the experience as much as possible.  
     TT: I want to make you happy.  
     CT: D --> Dirk  
     TT: Look, here’s what we’re going to do.  
     TT: Contradict me if you want, but I get the feeling that you’ll be happiest if I take charge right now.  
     CT: D --> No that  
     CT: D --> That would be a relief  
     CT: D --> Please continue  
     TT: Okay, then here’s the situation.  
     TT: I figure I’ll be fully mobile in a few days.  
     TT: Crutches are a pain in the ass, but I adjust quickly.  
     TT: While I’m dealing with that, you’re going to go find Nepeta.  
     TT: I want you to tell her everything, and if you hold back at all on my account, I’m going to be pissed.  
     TT: I was born without a shame gland, so you tell her EVERYTHING.  
     TT: Anyways, you’re going to shack up with Nepeta, and she’s going to pap dat ass so hard you’ll be seeing diamonds for the next month.  
     TT: If she’s chill, I want you to both keep me posted on how you’re doing.  
     TT: If you’re still freaking out, she might be able to tell me more than you can.  
     CT: D --> That  
     CT: D --> That would be a%ceptable  
     TT: Gotta be straight with me, bro.  
     TT: That’s a pretty vague affirmation.  
     TT: I really need you to tell me if there’s anything else I can do to help you out.  
     CT: D --> No  
     CT: D --> I believe it would be the best thing for me to find my moirail  
      CT: D --> I do find myself  
      CT: D --> Distressed  
      TT: Understatement of the century, right there.  
      TT: Look, I want you to remember this.  
      TT: I’m not upset at all.  
      TT: I’m not mad at you in any way, shape, or form.  
      TT: Bones and stuff heal just fine, and I’ll be back on my feet before you know it.  
      TT: You want to make me feel better, right?  
      CT: D --> Of course  
      CT: D --> Dirk  
      CT: D --> I  
      TT: What will make me feel best is if you stop being mad at yourself on my behalf.  
      TT: Right now, what’s bugging me most is that I’m not there to take better care of you.  
      TT: Which is why Nepeta and I are going to double-team you so hard you feel like a conciliatory princess.  
      TT: This was bad luck on both our parts, and you’re a casualty just as much as I am.  
      TT: How soon can you pack up and head off to your moirail’s?  
      CT: D --> Within the hour  
      CT: D --> I  
      CT: D --> Do believe I will feel better once I have spoken to Nepeta  
      TT: That sounds great.  
      TT: I’ll message her while you’re on the go so she’s all set for you.  
      CT: D --> Of course  
      CT: D --> Dirk  
      CT: D --> Thank you  
      TT: And remember, I’ll see you soon.  
      CT: D --> Dirk  
      CT: D --> <3  
      TT: <3  
  
centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT]


	12. Remember When Dave Was Having Nightmares And He Would Go To Sleep In Karkat's Bed, While Trying To Keep Up The Coolkid Act?

          You get jolted out of sleep with a nasty lurch, and you shoot upright flailing around with a sickle already out of your strife specibus until you realize which asshole just woke you up.  
  
         “'Sup.”  
  
         You rub at your eyes and _don’t care at all_ that the sound of your teeth grinding is probably audible, because wow, thanks it’s not like you’ve had nearly enough sleep, not that you sleep well _anyways_ without sopor, and now you get to deal with this bulgesore who doesn’t seem to understand the idea of _boundaries._ “Strider?”  
  
         “Whoa, are there other devastatingly handsome dudes crawling in with you at night? I’m hurt, dude.”  
  
         “Why the fuck are you _here._ ”  
  
         “This is an inspection for the Can Town greater metropolitan area. I’m looking for possible safety violations.”  
  
         “Wonderful. That’s just wonderful. I am positively overjoyed that you’re making such excellent use of your time. You’ve succeeded in ensuring that I experience yet another day of not-enough-sleep, so I’m sure there won’t be any trouble in telling you that now you can fuck right off now.”  
  
         Fantastic. Instead of doing something nice, like _leaving you the hell alone,_ he’s burrowing deeper into your pile. “Nah, dude. I am well and truly dedicated to this whole safety shindig. It wouldn’t be a proper inspection if I wasn’t thorough. And think how it would break the poor Mayor’s heart to know that I was shirking my duties.”  
  
         “Yeah, I can see that’s what driving your actions here. You’d be amazed at how often I sit around going ‘Wow, that Dave Strider. He sure is one responsible human.’”  
  
         And he’s moving into your warm spot. This day keeps getting better and better. You lay right the hell back down in rest of the warm area, because one, no, and two, _fuck_ no, but he just shrugs and doesn’t move. “Dude, Karkat, I’m not arguing or anything, but wow. Needy much? If you needed cuddles, you could just ask.”  
  
         “Yes, that certainly is the situation here. You definitely aren’t the one that’s needy, just like you definitely aren’t the one who refuses to actually admit he has daymares and just barges into people’s respiteblocks in the middle of the day like the neediest asshole ever to impose on the goodwill of those around him. That sure isn’t you.”  
  
         “That sure is an accurate summary of how things stand, and I’m glad we cleared that up. Shh now, we have to rest so we can report to the Mayor if anything is likely to attack the citizens of Can Town in their sleep.”  
  
         “Well I wouldn’t want to disappoint the Mayor.” You lay there in silence for a minute, and because you’ve never been able to leave well enough alone, you add, “You realize that if you just _started_ your mornings in here you wouldn’t be shitting all over my sleep schedule every other day, asshole.” He doesn’t answer, and you have to growl in irritation even while you’re arranging the blankets to adjust for two people. When you lay back down and shut your eyes, you carefully don’t mention the way he shifts the smallest bit closer into your chest and slips an arm over your waist.


	13. Remember When Tavros Blackcrushed On Dave, But Had No Idea How To Deal With It Because All His Conceptions Of Blackrom Had Been Messed Up By Vriska?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for (past) emotional/verbal/physical abuse in this story.

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  
  
     AT: hI, sO,   
     AT: i WAS THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS,   
     AT: pERTAINING TO, mY INTERESTS AND ACQUAINTANCES,   
     AT: aND I THINK I MAY HAVE COME TO A REALIZATION, aBOUT SOME THINGS I PERSONALLY FIND, sOMEWHAT IMPORTANT,   
     AT: iN TERMS OF MY PERSONAL REGARD, aND UH, fEELINGS WHICH MAY BE REGARDED AS RATHER, pITCH,   
     TG: oh hey its the guy with the impressively stupid quirk  
     TG: so theres this thing called a caps lock  
     TG: i think it might revolutionize your world if you were to just give that one key a quick tap  
     AT: sEE, tHIS IS THE BEHAVIOR OF WHICH, i WAS TRYING TO REFER,   
     AT: iN WHICH YOU ATTEMPT TO DERAIL ME BY IGNORING THE THINGS I SAY,   
     AT: aND PAYING UNDUE ATTENTION, tO SMALL DETAILS YOU WISH TO MOCK,   
     AT: wHEREUPON YOU, uH, aGGRESS FURTHER WHILE I AM, tHEORETICALLY, oFF BALANCE FROM YOUR UNKIND WORDS  
     TG: wow  
     TG: you sure are a master of observation   
     TG: i really thought i was pulling the wool over your eyes  
     TG: but you caught me  
     TG: im too pretty to go to internet jail  
     TG: the internet soap is too slippery ill drop that shit the first time i take a shower  
     AT: yES, tHIS IS EXACTLY THE THING I MEAN,   
     AT: wHERE YOU ACT IN THE WORST WAY, aND RILE ME UP, iN A MANNER THAT ENCOURAGES ME TO RESPOND IN KIND,   
     AT: mY POINT THAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO, uH, mAKE FROM THE START, bEFORE YOU BEGAN YOUR UNNECESSARY CONVOLUTED CONVERSATIONAL DETOURS,   
     AT: wAS THAT I BELIEVE I MAY BE FEELING, pITCH TOWARDS YOU, aND HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT MY FEELINGS MAY BE, rECIPROCATED,   
     TG: whoa  
     TG: what  
     TG: okay maybe it was a mistake to skim those first messages but dude what do you expect with the way you type  
     TG: whats this reciprocated business  
     AT: aS SUCH, i JUST WANTED TO LAY, sOME GROUND RULES,   
     AT: sO THAT NEITHER OF US IS PUSHED, tOO FAR, iN A MANNER THAT WOULD BE UNPLEASANT, bEYOND NORMAL EXPECTATIONS OF PITCH ANTAGONISM, tO EITHER OF US,   
     AT: aND DUE TO PAST EXPERIENCE, iT WOULD BE NICE, iF I WAS ALLOWED TO BE THE, uH, aGGRESSING PARTY, fOR A CHANGE,   
     TG: dude  
     TG: you need to slow down  
     TG: because this conversation has officially jumped the tracks  
     TG: we are on a runaway steam conversation train in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and im the poor passenger whos wondering why the conductor has suddenly gone insane  
     AT: iTS JUST THAT, iN MY ADMITTEDLY LIMITED, bUT EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE THAT I DON’T WISH TO ACTUALLY DWELL ON RIGHT NOW,   
     AT: mY HAVING A PITCH PARTNER WHO INSTIGATES CONFLICT, eNDS POORLY, aND RESULTS IN eXTREME EMOTIONAL DISTRESS,   
     AT: aS WELL AS UPSETTING PHYSICAL CONSEQUENCES, nOT LIMITED TO THE LOSS OF MY LEGS, wHICH AT THE TIME I BELIEVED TO BE, uH, pERMANENT,   
     TG: not going to lie i am probably even more lost than i was a minute ago  
     TG: but im pretty sure you just said that you thought i was going to put you in a wheelchair  
     TG: yeah that sure is the thing you seem to be implying  
     TG: what the actual hell  
     AT: sEE THIS IS WHY I AM SUGGESTING THAT I, tAKE THE PART, oF THE KISMESIS THAT ANTAGONIZES THE, uH, oTHER KISMESIS,   
     TG: bECAUSE WHEN TAKING ON THE OTHER ROLE, mY INEXPERIENCE, aND, aCCORDING TO WHAT I WAS TOLD, gENERAL FAILINGS AS A TROLL,   
     TG: mEANT THAT I WAS UNABLE TO HOLD UP MY END OF THE RELATIONSHIP,   
     TG: wHICH ULTIMATELY RESULTED IN THOSE, uH, eMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL CONSEQUENCES, tHAT I DESCRIBED, aBOVE,   
     TG: holy shit dude  
     TG: even with what terezis been telling me i still dont really get your freaky quadrant system  
     TG: but even given how weird blackrom sounds that sounds like a whole new level of fucked up  
     AT: i CAN’T REALLY COMMENT ON THAT, nOT HAVING BEEN PRESENT FOR WHATEVER SCHOOLFEEDING SHE THOUGHT WAS APPROPRIATE,   
     AT: bUT IT WAS CONSISTENTLY THE TONE OF THE RELATIONSHIP, aND I THINK IT SEEMED NORMAL, aND IN LINE WITH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE IS PITCH FOR YOU,   
     AT: oR, aT LEAST, pITCH FOR ME,   
     TG: i cant believe im saying this  
     TG: and i still refuse to admit you are anything less than the most annoying troll i have had the misfortune to meet  
     TG: but maybe  
     TG: ugh  
     TG: maybe we should meet and have an actual discussion about this  
     TG: because terezi says this is supposed to be like  
     TG: an actual enjoyable and healthy thing for you guys  
     TG: whatever you had going on before sounds incredibly fucked up  
     TG: is there no such thing as a troll psychologist  
     AT: i SUPPOSE THAT MEETING IS A THING I COULD DO, iF YOU THINK IT WOULD BE, aPPROPRIATE,   
     AT: bUT I AM PRETTY SURE THAT TROLL PSYCHOLOGISTS, wHEN THERE WERE TROLLS BESIDES THE LAST FEW OF US, wERE MAINLY THERE TO CULL TROLLS, tHAT WERE MENTALLY UNFIT, wHICH IS A THING I WOULD RATHER NOT RISK,   
     TG: so youre saying that you never talked this thing through with anyone  
     AT: wELL, mY KISMESIS, uH, eX-KISMESIS, uSED TO TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP A LOT, eVEN IF IT WAS NOT, iN A PARTICULARLY PLEASANT OR KIND WAY  
     TG: yeah this is a thing i actually cannot believe im saying  
     TG: we should meet and talk about this  
     TG: this is dave taking a bullet for the team i would like this sacrifice to go down in everyones memories as a great and noble thing  
     AT: sINCE THIS IS A PRIVATE MESSAGE, i THINK I SHOULD ASSUME THAT THIS IS MORE HUMAN SARCASM, oF THE KIND YOU FREQUENTLY USE, wHEN YOU WISH TO IRRITATE THOSE AROUND YOU,   
     AT: iT IS AN EFFECTIVE STRATEGY, wHICH I SUPPOSE I SHOULD COMPLIMENT YOU FOR, eXCEPT THAT I SEEM TO BE THE IRRITATED PARTY, iN THIS SCENARIO,   
     TG: this is the blackflirting thing terezi told me about isnt it  
     TG: what have i gotten myself into  
     AT: aM I MEANT TO TAKE THIS, aS A RETRACTION OF THAT WISH, wHICH WAS RECENTLY EXPRESSED, oF MY MAKING A VISIT TO YOUR HIVE,  
     TG: what  
     TG: no dude were still good  
     TG: just lamenting my tragic loss of control over my own life  
     TG: is tomorrow good for you  
     AT: i BELIEVE TOMORROW, iS A DAY WHERE I AM ENTIRELY FREE, aSSUMING NOBODY ASKS ME ANYTHING BETWEEN NOW AND THEN, wHICH WOULD THEN TAKE LOWER PRECEDENT THAN, uH, tHIS PRIOR COMMITMENT,   
     TG: that was an impressively long yes  
     TG: just swing by my place whenever i guess  
     AT: tHAT SOUNDS LIKE A THING, wHICH I AM CAPABLE OF DOING,   
     AT: sO I SUPPOSE, tHAT SINCE WE SEEM TO HAVE EXHAUSTED THE POTENTIAL, iN THIS PARTICULAR CONVERSATION, tHIS IS THE PART WHERE I SHOULD WISH YOU, gOODBYE,   
     TG: yeah dude  
     TG: bye or whatever  
     TG: ill see you tomorrow   
     AT: bYE,   
     AT: <3<,  
  
adiosToreador [AT] has ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  
  
     TG: wait what


	14. Remember That Time When Karkat Projected All Of His Need For Validation From The Condesce Onto Meenah... In The Concupiscenceblock?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mild, non-explicit sexual content

          The first time you get the feelin things are turnin strange is when you tell Karkat that what he’s doin feels great, and he shivers all over and looks up at you with wide eyes and his ears goin all red. You’re kinda confused but he dives right back into what he was doin and _fuck_ is that nice.  
  
         You’re still kinda wonderin what was up, because hey, that’s a cool reaction for a lady to get (and you wanna see him blush again). So the when he’s got his mouth on your neck and his hand up your shirt, you tell him that he’s _reel_ good at this. He tries not to show the way he reacts, but with him pressed up against you like that, how the shell are you supposed to miss it? His breath hitches against your neck, and you feel him press close all over, and whoa yeah, this is definitely a _thing._  
  
         “So what’s up with that?” you ask, because why _wouldn’t_ you ask.  
  
         He tenses all up, and aww, you do feel a little bad about that, because you wanna get him all unwound and relaxed for you. He asks, “With what?” And man, that is hella cute when he tries to be all defensive, but you’re way too curious to just let it go.  
  
         “C’mon threshie. Gotta be straight with me here. Am I doin somethin wrong?”  
  
         “No!” Aw, fuck, that is adorable. His cheeks are way red and you can totally see it spreadin down his neck and out to his shoulders. “It’s—It’s not bad, okay.”  
  
         “Not bad?” You can’t help grinnin, because you’re pretty sure you just figured out somethin _reely awesome._ “So that means it’s… good?” You didn’t think he could actually go any more red, but wow, that is impressive! He’s sorta flinchin back though and he doesn’t look so happy and no, that’s no good, you gotta fix that.  
  
         “Fuck— Sorry. Sorry, I made this weird. I fucked up. I’ll go now. I’ll— Yeah, I’ll just leave.”  
  
         “Awww, no, don’t be like that! It’s not weird, I just wanna know what’s what.” He’s still lookin like he’d rather run than explain, so you tug him gently down onto the pile and tuck him all up against your front so you’re wrapped around his back. “We don’t hafta talk if you don’t wanna, but I shore would like to know what’s goin on.”  
  
         He grabs a pillow and buries his face in it. It makes what he’s sayin a bit muffled, but you get by. “It’s just— It feels nice to hear that I’m doing this right. Since. You know. I have no clue what I’m doing and my life has been an impressively long series of fuck-ups. Sorry, that’s weird. I’m weird.”  
  
         You laugh a little and kiss the back of his neck so he knows you don’t mean nothin bad by it. “Naw, I get it! Everybody’s got their little things, and I’m just sortin out the way you work.” You can feel him relax a little, but he’s still wound way too tight, so you bend in right next to his ear and whisper, “You’re doin absolutely fintastic, threshie.”  
  
         He makes a little noise that you are two hundred percent was involuntary before he clears his throat and gets all gruff again and says, “I’m not even doing anything right now. Stop messing with me.”  
  
         Man, he is holding onto that pillow like a lifeline. Your run your claws up his sides, reel gentle, to get him to uncurl a little. “Nah, dude! Look at you, you’re all talkin to me and tellin me what’s up and keepin up good communication. And if you turned around and looked, you’d see that you’re makin me grin like _whoa_.”  
  
         He sneaks a peek at you outta the corner of his eye, and awwww, the way he's lookin at you! You can’t disappoint him when he’s like this, so you bend down and kiss him reel nice and thorough. He comes up from the kiss all breathless, and hey, you’re pretty sure you’re breathin hard too. One more kiss for good measure, an you press all up against him and whisper, “You gonna keep bein good for me?”  
  
         He shudders all over and says, “ _Yes,_ ” all fervent like a prayer.  
  
         After you roll back off him, he’s still lookin at you all kinda disbelievin and uncertain and man, you really wanna wipe that kinda expression off his face, so you say, “You know, I wouldn’t’a picked you for my grand threshie if I didn’t think you were gonna make me happy.”  
  
          He throws himself at you and kisses you so hard, he just about knocks you straight off the pile.


	15. Remember When Karkat Made Really Bad Fashion Choices That Put Kanaya's Reputation At Stake?

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
  
    GA: Karkat  
    GA: Have You Left Yet  
    GA: Or Are You Still In Your Hive  
    GA: Please Answer  
    CG: WHY?   
    CG: BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE AFTER, BUT THIS DOESN’T SOUND LIKE ANYTHING GOOD.   
    GA: No  
    GA: It Is No Issue Of Great Concern  
    GA: Can We Turn On Video  
    CG: NO, MY LUSUS STEPPED ON MY GRUBCAM YESTERDAY.   
    CG: ALSO, I’D LIKE TO STATE THAT I NEVER GOT AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION, SO I WILL AGAIN ASK: WHY?   
    GA: What Are You Wearing  
    CG: WOW, I WONDER IF IT COULD BE ANYTHING LIKE WHAT I’VE BEEN WEARING FOR THE LAST TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS.   
    CG: IN CASE YOU WEREN’T PAYING ATTENTION, THAT WOULD MEAN THE UNGODLY EXTENSIVE NEW WARDROBE SOMEONE DECIDED TO MAKE FOR ME.   
    CG: LOOK AT ME, BEING A GOOD MOIRAIL.   
    CG: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAD TO REPROGRAM MY WHOLE FUCKING WARDROBIFIER JUST TO DEAL WITH THIS STUFF.   
    GA: Well Yes  
    GA: That Is What I Was Inquiring About  
    CG: CAN YOU ACTUALLY TELL ME WHAT THE PROBLEM IS?   
    CG: BECAUSE RIGHT NOW ALL I’M LEFT WITH IS THAT I SHOULD GO BACK TO HIDING THIS HIDEOUS EXCUSE FOR A BODY UNDERNEATH ENDLESS COPIES OF THE SAME OLD BLACK SHIRT AND PANTS.  
    CG: IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE GETTING AT?   
    GA: No That Was Not My Intended Purpose  
    GA: It Is Simply  
    GA: Those Clothes  
    CG: THE ONES YOU PERSONALLY MADE FOR ME?   
    CG: THE ONES I HAVE BEEN WEARING?  
    GA: Yes  
    GA: Only  
    GA: You Have Been Wearing Them Wrong  
    CG: WRONG.   
    CG: IMAGINE, I NEVER KNEW THERE WAS A WRONG WAY TO WEAR CLOTHING.  
    CG: I SHOULD HAVE BEEN PUTTING THIS SHIRT ON MY HEAD AND WEARING IT AS A MASSIVE, SLEEVED TURBAN, I GUESS.  
    CG: I WAS NEVER TOLD THAT THESE PANTS WERE STRICTLY TO BE PUT ON RIGHT FOOT, ***THEN*** LEFT FOOT.  
    CG: AND YEAH, I GUESS I MISSED THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO WEAR THIS UNDERWEAR ON THE OUTSIDE, MY MISTAKE.   
    CG: I MUST HAVE SKIPPED THE BASIC SCHOOLFEED ON DRESSING YOURSELF, AND THAT’S WHY EVERYONE’S BEEN LAUGHING AT ME FOR ALL THESE SWEEPS.   
    GA: No This Is Why I Wanted To Speak By Video  
    GA: You Have Been Wearing Clothing On The Correct Parts Of Your Body  
    GA: I Have Never Seen You Do Otherwise  
    GA: It Is Simply That You Have Not Been Pairing Various Clothing Items In A Harmonious And Pleasing Way  
    CG: HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING?   
    CG: I REFUSE TO ADMIT THAT IS AN ACTUAL PROBLEM.   
    CG: I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’RE MAKING IT UP JUST TO FUCK WITH ME.   
    GA: I Am Only Attempting To Explain In The Clearest Manner Possible  
    GA: Last Week You Went To Visit Sollux Wearing A Long Skirt And An Oversized Sweater  
    GA: The Sweater Would Be Better Matched With A Pair Of Slim Cut Pants  
    GA: While The Skirt Would Shine With A More Minimal And Fitted Top  
    CG: SO YOU THINK I’VE BEEN HUMILIATING MYSELF IN PUBLIC WITH MY HORRIBLE FASHION SENSE.  
    CG: IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE GETTING AT?  
    CG: AND I ASSUME THAT BY PROXY, YOU’RE EMBARRASSED TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH ME?   
    GA: Please Do Not Work Yourself Up  
    GA: I Only Wish To Dress You To Best Advantage  
    GA: Which Would Admittedly Reflect Well On Myself And The Clothing I Make  
    GA: I Am In A Position To Provide The Basic Dressing Yourself Schoolfeeding You Appear To Have Missed  
    GA: By Which I Facetiously Refer To Advice On Pairing Clothing Cuts And Colors  
    CG: BECAUSE I’M AN INCOMPETENT ASSHOLE WHO CAN’T HANDLE CLOTHING HIMSELF.   
    GA: Because You Have An Adventurous Fashion Sense And I Can Assist In You In Bypassing Years Of Embarrassing Experimentation  
    GA: What Are You Wearing Right Now  
    CG: …  
    CG: HEELS, SKINNY PANTS, AND THAT REALLY TIGHT TANK TOP  
    GA: No  
    CG: YOU’D BETTER GIVE ME AN EXPLANATION, OR I’M GOING OUT AND TELLING EVERYONE THAT KANAYA TOLD ME TO WEAR THESE THINGS TOGETHER.   
    CG: AND THESE HEELS MAKE MY ASS LOOK FUCKING MAJESTIC, SO I’M NOT TAKING THEM OFF.   
    GA: You May Wear The Heels And Pants  
    GA: But As A Whole, Your Silhouette Is Effectively That Of A Naked Troll  
    GA: Wear A Looser Shirt  
    GA: That One Turtleneck With The Sleeves That Almost Cover Your Hands Looks Wonderful On You  
    CG: THAT’S THE ONE WHERE YOU HAND-EMBROIDERED MY SIGN, RIGHT?  
    CG: I’LL WEAR THAT FOR NOW, BUT I STILL DON’T GET WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE TANK TOP.  
    GA: Yes  
    GA: We Should Talk About That Soon  
    GA: At Great Length  
    GA: For Now I Believe Terezi Is Waiting On You  
    GA: Please Replace Your Grubcam Soon  
    GA: Please  
  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	16. Remember When Feferi Tried To Teach Sollux How To Swim, Emphasis On 'Tried'?

          You want it to go on record that you fought her all the way. This was a straight-up goddamn siege that lasted for perigees, with you maintaining a solid defense line of ‘no way in fucking hell’ and her keeping up a steady attack of ‘well maybe next time!’ Your guard only dropped once, but that was enough. She asked if you were interested in having some fun, and you were too distracted with tracking down a mistake in your code to ask exactly what _kind_ of fun, and whoops, there you go. Wow, she just stripped the clothes off you so fast you’re pretty sure you have friction burns.  
  
         Your pan finally catches up to what’s happening just as she’s jumping into the water with you tucked under one arm, and you finally get it together enough to catch you both in a net of psionics. She glubs at you, which is totally funny because haha there’s nothing she can do now, but oops, it turns out she can tickle your grub scars until you lose your concentration and there you both go. Death by drowning it is.  
  
         Okay, so maybe it’s only up to your waist, but you really could have just died. You totally could have. FF completely ignores you while you bitch at her, and does her best to get you all laid out in the water. You thrash around _so hard._ If you could break away, you could get back to your clothes or your husktop or something, but no, she has a goddamn death grip on your arms and you might be able to escape, but you’re pretty sure you’d be down a couple limbs.  
  
         Finally she gets you flat on your back, and you hold on _really fucking tight_ to her wrists because if she lets go now, that’s it, you’re a goner. This is Sollux Captor’s last will and testament, all his belongings go to whoever manages to convince Feferi Peixes that _landdwellers don’t swim._ It’s okay, though. It’s okay. She just lets you stay like that for a while, and you can almost forget that the moment she drops you, you’re going to sink like a stone. You’re almost getting used to it, and she’s laughing at the expression on your face, and you’re starting to maybe possibly think this isn’t the worst thing that ever happened to you.  
  
         Then she says, “Now, inflate your swim bladder!”  
  
         You freeze. Oh god. This was a horrible mistake and she doesn’t actually know what she’s doing and she’s _letting go of your arms—_ “I don’t have one of those!!”  
  
         She positively giggles. “Don’t be silly! Anyone can float if they put their mind to it.”  
  
         No, no they can’t, and you’re trapped in the water by a madwoman and you shouldn’t be surprised because nothing you do is allowed to go right ever, and this is clearly the next logical step in making your life a mess. You drop her wrists and grab for her hair so she can’t shake you off and cling for dear life. She pouts down at you, and wow, it’s absolutely insane how unmoved you are.  
  
         “You won’t know for shore you don’t like it if you never _try_ swimming.”  
  
          You think it through this time. Before anything else, you pin her arms with your psionics, and _then_ you lift the two of you up in the air. You float on off down the halls, leaving a trail of water behind you, because you completely totally one hundred percent do not trust her not to try any nasty tricks. “First things first, I think I need to show you a basic landdweller anatomy schoolfeed.”


	17. Remember That Time Davesprite Confronted Terezi About Getting John And Jade Killed In His Original Timeline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for death mention in this chapter

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]  
  
    TG: hey  
    TG: so  
    TG: we need to talk  
    GC: 4H TH3 R3TURN OF OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3 D4V3  
    GC: 3V3N THOUGH R3D 1S TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS COLOR 1T 1S H4RD TO B34T 4N OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3  
    TG: okay thats charmingly weird and all  
    TG: but for real  
    TG: we need to talk  
    GC: TH1S DO3SNT SOUND L1K3 TH3 FUN K1ND OF T4LK1NG >:[  
    TG: yeah no probably not  
    TG: and trust me im not going to enjoy this conversation any more than you  
    TG: but there are some things that need to be said  
    TG: so about john  
    GC: 1 D1D 4POLOG1Z3 FOR TH4T >:[  
    GC: 1N F4CT 1 3V3N 4SK3D 1F YOU WOULD M1ND M3 TROLL1NG H1M ON3 L4ST T1M3 JUST TO 4POLOG1Z3  
    GC: WH1CH W4S 4 N1C3 G3STUR3 ON MY P4RT CONS1D3R1NG H3 1S V3RY MUCH 4L1V3  
    TG: not exactly valid  
    TG: considering that the only reason that im here is because you killed my timelines john  
    GC: DOOM3D T1M3L1N3S 4RE 4 SP3C14L C4S3  
    GC: USU4LLY 3V3RYON3 3NDS UP DY1NG HORR1BLY  
    TG: except that youre neglecting that it was directly your actions that set off that whole mess  
    TG: i just would like you to consider this  
    TG: now that you know us as people  
    TG: you killed john  
    TG: and because of that jade died  
    TG: i had to watch one of my best friends die because youd killed her server player and nobody could bring her in  
    TG: and then because our session was fucked beyond all saving and i couldn’t see any other way to stop it from happening  
    TG: i had to leave rose there as the last person in a literally empty world  
    TG: your actions forced me into doing that to my last living best friend  
    TG: i dont even know what happened to her  
    TG: i hope she got to die at least  
    GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU 3XP3CT1NG M3 TO DO??   
    GC: TH4T 1S NOT M34NT TO B3 M34N SP1R1T3D 1 G3NU1N3LY H4V3 NO 1D34  
    TG: i dunno  
    TG: you apologized to john and im pretty much the only other person left who was actually affected by it all  
    TG: maybe just think about it on your own  
    TG: even if youre playing nice now you like to treat other people as toys  
    TG: were all just troll chess pieces or whatever  
    TG: consequences don’t feel as real when theyre happening to someone whos not you  
    GC: TROLL CH3SS 1S NOT 4 TH1NG  
    GC: BUT 1 S33 WH4T YOU M34N  
    GC: 1M NOT SUR3 WH4T YOU 4R3 HOP1NG FOR M3 TO S4Y  
    TG: yeah theres not really anything to be said  
    TG: just keeping you posted on whats been happening to the real people down here  
    TG: in hopes that youll maybe think twice next time before you decide you know whats best for everyone  
    TG: i guess you can go back to talking to real dave  
    TG: ill go back to doing sprite things or whatever  
    TG: see you  
  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]


	18. Remember When Dirk Came Out To Roxy As Homoromantic Asexual?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning in this chapter for discussion of sex and discussion of romantic/sexual orientations

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostic [TG]  
  
    TT: Hey, Roxy.   
    TT: Are you there?   
    TG: whoaa hot damn  
    TG: th one and only di stri all up in my cmpouter at  
    TG: wow  
    TG: shtt son why arent u aslepe?????   
    TT: You know the criticism doesn’t really hit home when you’re approximately as awake as I am.   
    TT: So, fully aware of the hypocrisy of this statement, I am going to say this:   
    TT: Roxy, you need to get more sleep.   
    TG: aww no i p much did thta just so we culd do thewhole back and frth  
    TG: u should sleep   
    TG: nuh uh YOU shld sleep  
    TG: u are tkaing awy all my fun nd it is v unfair  
    TT: Do you have any particular reasons for being awake?   
    TG: idk you kno ur just doign ur own thing and you look t the clock   
    TG: and whoa youve been up for two days srtaight whn did that hpapen  
    TT: Disordered sleeping puts you at higher risk for a wide variety of health problems.   
    TG: lmao  
    TG: oh hi there mr pot im ms kettle  
    TG: may i copmliment you on how totes black u are  
    TG: jsut look at us being black tpgether  
    TT: Yeah, okay, you’ve made your point.   
    TG: and mr pot you realize I m now p much forced to ask why you are awake?   
    TG: and u owe me answres  
    TG: cuz ur the one who cmae lookign for me what is up w/ that??   
    TT: You know how I feel about Jake?   
    TG: hmmm im not suer if weve ever talked about that thnig  
    TG: sure isnt rigning any bells ovr here  
    TT: Cute.   
    TT: But I’ve told you that I’m not comfortable with the word ‘gay.’   
    TG: well yeah tbh i dont rly see how exculsively into dudes doesnt equal gay  
    TG: but if thats ur jam it is v cool w/ me  
    TT: Here’s the thing.   
    TT: The more I think about it, the more I’m thinking I don’t really want to tap that ass.   
    TG: :(   
    TG: crushes fade dude it is a thng that hpappens  
    TG: its kinda ruogh but it def gets better w/ time  
    TT: No, I’m explaining this badly.   
    TT: I still feel the same as ever about him.   
    TT: And I keep coming up with poorly conceived plans to sweep him off his feet and romance him so hard that innocent bystanders start swooning within a hundred mile radius.   
    TG: ooooooh mr strider!!! :O  
    TT: But I don’t want to get naked with him.   
    TT: Kisses sound fine, but I don’t feel any need to take it further than that.   
    TT: I kind of thought that the urge to strip down and do the nasty would just hit me at some point.   
    TT: But it’s been a couple of years without it, and I think I don’t care if it never happens.   
    TG: huhhh  
    TG: idk if thats a thng that ever happend to me  
    TG: holding hnads and doing the do all soudned like a fun time  
    TG: u never wantde to whip out the ol dingle dongle? Or his?   
    TT: That is a wonderfully dignified way to refer to that piece of my anatomy.   
    TT: But no.   
    TT: I don’t really see the appeal.   
    TG: not evn for dat jake english booty????   
    TT: I can certainly admire the Jake English booty from afar.   
    TT: Or from up close, as the case may be.   
    TT: One day, I even dare hope to touch that fair booty.   
    TT: But yeah, not really much that I’d care to do to it.   
    TG: this is all v intersting  
    TG: and i mean that rly sioncerely!!   
    TG: have u talked about ths w/ anyone else?   
    TT: No.   
    TT: I’m still thinking it through, in a lot of ways.   
    TG: well i am up for this thinking stuff liek whoa  
    TG: and listneing that is sure a thing i do  
    TG: i am the besst at long distanec listening fyi you have no idea  
    TT: Thanks.   
    TT: I really do appreciate it.   
    TG: is this a thnig that happnes?   
    TG: idk i just alwyas assumed that it all went togethr  
    TT: I’m not sure.   
    TT: To be honest, I’m just trying to sort out what’s going on with me personally.   
    TT: And if sex isn’t something that I want to do on my own, I don’t know if I should feel pressured to do it because it’s the ‘normal’ thing.   
    TT: I don’t find it disgusting, I just don’t see why I’d enjoy it.   
    TT: But I’m pretty sure this isn’t all that common and Jake probably feels differently.   
    TT: So, and I’m jumping about twenty guns here, I’m not sure if I should try to make my peace with it for his sake.   
    TG: well i def dnt think you shuold do somethng you dont want to do  
    TG: that suonds like a road to major suckaege  
    TG: tbh if the game wasnt comign u wouldnt be ablel to touch wienrs in person anwyays???   
    TG: if a long dsitance relationshp can be a thing w/out mad sexings idk why its any differnt in person  
    TT: That is true.   
    TT: I hadn’t considered it that way.   
    TG: and you kno if i was maikng u food and you said no pineappel on the pizza  
    TG: ur allowd to do that just cuz you dont like it and you dont hve to be allergic or anythng  
    TG: so i thnik its fine to say u dont wnt sex  
    TG: its a prefernece and if u get him to the point whre hes willing to tuoch wieners  
    TG: i bet hed be fine with zero wienrer touching if that’s whta makes u happy  
    TT: That… is a much more positive way of looking at it than I’d been doing.   
    TT: And if your goal was to make me smile with talk of wiener touching, then you succeeded.   
    TG: yesssssss missoin accomplihshed ;))))   
    TT: Is it a problem if I want to talk about this more?   
    TG: dude  
    TG: duuuuuuuued  
    TG: i am v hurt taht u would doubt me so  
    TG: and i will be xtra hurt if we dont get to tlak about ths any more  
    TG: i like learning new thnigs and i like talking to u so ths is a win/wni  
    TT: I appreciate it.   
    TT: I really do.   
    TG: and fr now i am gonig to tell u to GO TO BDE  
    TG: cuz it is hella late and u are clearly way tired or u wldnt be sendnig me this  
    TT: That’s probably true.   
    TT: But I’m going to have to lay down the condition that you get some rest as well.   
    TG: ill tell u waht  
    TG: if we both go to sleep rn we cn btoh wake up at the same time and tlak even more  
    TG: u can draeam of jaek english and a life of kisses and zero wiener touhcing  
    TT: That sounds like a plan to me.   
    TT: But you have to tell me if you don’t want to talk about this anymore.   
    TG: diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirk >:(  
    TG: u dare bring ur doubt into this hosue  
    TG: if i dont wnt to do somethign then TRSUT ME u will kno it  
    TG: now  
    TG: GET SOEM SLEEP  
    TT: Yes, ma’am.   
    TT: Obeying right away.   
    TT: But I might remind you that you just agreed to go to sleep as well  
    TG: yes yse i am doign that thing rgiht after i make sure that u log off ur cmoputer  
    TT: I’ll talk to you tomorrow, then.   
    TT: Thanks.   
  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostic [TG]

         


	19. Remember When Vriska Got Sick And Spidermom Didn't Take Care Of Her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for parental abuse, illness, and general sadness in this chapter.

AG: Come on, this is super lame.   
AG: How often do I even ask you to do anything around this place?   
AG: And then how often do you actually do any of it?   
AG: 8asically never, that’s the answer!!!!!!!!   
AG: Is it really so much to ask a custodian to actually do something for their kid?   
AG: I know you 8asically just picked me up so I could feed you, 8ecause apparently 8eing too lazy to feed yourself is somehow a via8le survival strategy.   
AG: 8ut are you really going to refuse to give me a hand when I’m practically 8egging you for help?   
AG: I know you just want me around to catch kids for you, 8ut I can’t really do that right now.   
AG: It’s not like I’m a8le to go hunting while I’m like this, so it’s really in your 8est interest to take care of me for a change.   
AG: Just watch, I’ll end up dead and no8ody will ever feed you again.   
AG: The delivery drones won’t even make it out here with medicine until tomorrow night at 8est.   
AG: Gosh, it sure would 8e nice if there was someone around with a vested interest in making sure Vriska didn’t die 8etween now and then.   
AG: Too 8ad no8ody around here counts on her for anything.   
AG: There’s definitely no8ody in this hive that depends on Vriska for food 8ecause they’re too fat and lazy to feed their own damn self.   
AG: 8nd I definitely never wasted sweeps of my life catching kids to 8ring them 8ack here 8ecause I know h8w to take care of someone 8etter than you do!   
AG: Remem8er how you guilted me into g8ing out Flarping even when I h8d a 8roken arm?  
AG: Remem8er how I almost DIED and y8u didn’t care?   
AG: Th8ugh I guess I sh8uldn’t be surprised, 8ecause I’m 8asically dying now and w8w, look at all the lack of c8ring that’s happen8ng here.   
AG: My arm still doesn’t 8end right, you kn8w.  
AG: Just watch, I really am g8ing to die and you’ll starve t8 death 8ecause you can’t even supp8rt your own existence with8ut help.   
AG: 8nd dying will 8e totally w8rth it, 8ecause y8u’re the assh8le who wouldn’t even 8other to help h8r own five-sweep-8ld kid!!!!!!!!   
AG: You kn8w wh8t the h8ppiest d8y of my life w8ll 8e???????   
AG: It’s g8ing t8 be the day I g8 off into sp8ce, and I look 8ack 8nd see y8u al8ne here in this miser8ble fuck8ng desert, 8nd kn8w that there’s no8ody on this wh8le pl8net who’d help y8u, not if you 8egged and 8egged and 8egged.  
AG: F8ck y8u, mom.


	20. Remember When Nepeta Schoolfed Dave On Troll Quadrants Because He Was 'Shipping Wrong' And He Responded With Black Solicitations In The Form Of Really Schmoopy Red Solicitations Just To Be A Butt?

turntechGodhead[TG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]  
  
    TG: hello my sweetest and most beautiful flower of trollhood  
    TG: and how are you doing on this fine morning  
    AC: :33 < you don’t have to be an ass about this!!   
    AC: :33 < and pssst just because you aliens are diurnal doesnt mean the rest of us are  
    TG: aw shit really  
    TG: must have slipped my mind  
    AC: >:(( < again  
    TG: i guess im just too overcome by love  
    TG: my feelings for you are overwhelming my basic cognitive processes  
    TG: my bloodpusher is all doki doki over here  
    TG: forsooth say you love me in return and put an end to this torture  
    AC: :33 < *ac is purrfectly astounded that the idiotic fucking human thinks she wont see what hes doing*  
    TG: whoa  
    TG: what ive doing over here is simply expressing the purest flushed feelings you ever did see  
    TG: i only want to be yours  
    TG: baby only say youll pity me for my failings and call me YOUR idiotic fucking human  
    AC: :33 < or you could just admit that youre wrong and im right!!   
    AC: :33 < there is a right way to do shipping and its sure as hell not what you were doing  
    AC: :33 < and youre just messing with me because you cant handle being wrong  
    TG: darling no  
    TG: *the human moron throws himself at the beautiful trolls purrfect feet*  
    TG: say youll have me  
    TG: for better or for worse  
    TG: in sickness and in health  
    AC: >:(( < no!!  
    AC: :33 < you dont have any idea of how being matesprits works!!   
    TG: well if you want to get technical neither do you  
    AC: >:OO < !!!!!!!!!  
    TG: baby we can work it out together  
    TG: you and me up against the world  
    AC: :33 < how can you be this stupid you have to actively try to be this dumb  
    AC: :33 < you are either being deliberately insincere  
    AC: :33 < or human romance is worse than i thought  
    AC: :33 < and either way you are an asshole!!   
    TG: baby no  
    TG: light of my life  
    TG: what can i do to convince you of my devotion  
    TG: should i cast myself from the roof of your hive and be borne down on wings of love  
    AC: :33 < this is what i mean!!   
    AC: >:(( < you should cast yourself from the roof of my hive and go to the mediculler with two broken legs  
    TG: if thats what you want from me then ill do it  
    TG: just for you  
    TG: but only if you lay the most tender and flushed of kisses on my cast  
    TG: just imagine  
    TG: the most pitiful wreck of a human youve ever laid eyes on  
    TG: totally helpless and at your mercy  
    TG: was there ever a sight more pitiful  
    AC: :33 < if you break your legs i will laugh at you and take pictures to keep forever  
    TG: *swoons*  
    TG: well shit if youre taking pictures id better look my best  
    TG: heres what im thinking  
    TG: a tattoo across my whole chest  
    TG: ‘nepeta <3 dave’  
    TG: nah that’s too basic you deserve better  
    TG: ‘nepeta and dave furrever’  
    TG: ‘mr dave leijon’  
  
arsenicCatnip [AC] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]


	21. Remember When Dave Made His Bizarre Useless Last Stand And Jade Freaked Out Until Karkat Talked Her Through It While Jack Watched Like A Creep?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for (canonical and temporary) character death and blood in this story

gardenGnostic[GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
  
    GG: oh god oh god karkat  
    GG: karkat are you there???   
    GG: please help i dont know what to do oh god  
    GG: karkat please help me!!!!!!   
    CG: HARLEY?   
    CG: WHAT’S EVEN GOING ON?   
    CG: OH  
    CG: HOLY SHIT  
    GG: there has to be something i can do to help dave!!   
    GG: but thats dumb thats really dumb because this is real life  
    GG: karkat hes dead and i killed him  
    CG: OKAY  
    CG: OKAY  
    CG: DON’T PANIC  
    GG: how am i not supposed to panic??????????   
    GG: i shot him i didnt realize and i shot him so many times how could i do that??????   
    CG: OH MY GOD, YOU’RE CRYING  
    CG: HARLEY  
    CG: YOU REALLY HAVE TO CALM DOWN  
    CG: YOU’RE STARTING TO FREAK ME OUT  
    GG: im starting to freak YOU out?????????????????????   
    GG: karkat please i don’t know what to DO  
    CG: UH  
    CG: FIRST, I GUESS  
    CG: WHY DID YOU SHOOT HIM?   
    GG: I DIDNT MEAN TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
    GG: we were fighting jack and i was shooting him but he made it so i was shooting dave instead  
    GG: i didnt realize and i just kept shooting and shooting and shooting  
    CG: JACK?   
    CG: SHIT  
    CG: HARLEY, IF HE’S STILL THERE YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT *RIGHT NOW*  
    GG: no um  
    GG: he hasnt done anything since then  
    GG: i dont think he wants to hurt me  
    GG: hes just watching and i cant just leave dave  
    CG: CAN YOU GRAB DAVE AND RUN?   
    CG: AND ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE HE’S DEAD?   
    CG: HUMANS HAVE BLOODPUSHERS, RIGHT?   
    CG: CHECK HIS  
    GG: no  
    GG: i cant  
    CG: THIS IS REALLY FUCKING EASY, I PROMISE  
    CG: YOU JUST PUT YOUR HAND ON HIS THORAX, RIGHT OVER THE BLOODPUSHER  
    CG: DO YOU FEEL ANYTHING?   
    GG: no i mean i CANT  
    GG: karkat theres none of his thorax LEFT  
    GG: its all holes  
    GG: karkat i shot him SO MANY TIMES how could i do that to him hes one of my best friends  
    CG: CAN YOU TRY ANYWAYS?   
    CG: YOU’D BE SURPRISED WHAT PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE SOMETIMES  
    GG: no no no no karkat I LITERALLY CANT  
    GG: its all  
    GG: meat  
    GG: i cant touch it i cant i cant  
    GG: i think im going to be sick  
    GG: half his heads gone  
    GG: hes dead  
    GG: i killed him  
    CG: SAYING YOU KILLED HIM ISN’T REALLY ACCURATE WHEN YOU JUST SAID JACK DID IT  
    CG: AND YOU’RE PANICKING  
    GG: OF COURSE IM PANICKING!!!!!!!   
    GG: this was supposed to be a really cool video game  
    GG: and we were going to totally play it together and have fun and it was going to be so great  
    GG: and instead i KILLED DAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
    CG: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING  
    CG: OKAY  
    CG: HE’S YOUR TIME PLAYER  
    CG: THINGS ARE DIFFERENT FOR THEM  
    CG: OUR TIME PLAYER *STARTED* OUR SESSION DEAD  
    GG: yeah but he told me about what he does  
    GG: he goes back in time and changes things so he doesnt die  
    GG: so that the timeline goes right  
    GG: its been so long already and he isnt here  
    GG: i fucked it up and hes dead for real  
    CG: NO, SEE  
    CG: WE’RE STILL TALKING  
    CG: THAT MEANS THIS ISN’T A DOOMED TIMELINE AND THINGS ARE GOING THE WAY THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO  
    GG: HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER????????   
    GG: ‘oh jade dont worry you killed dave but you were totally supposed to so its fine’  
    GG: ‘yeah that makes sense karkat i feel totally fine now’  
    GG: ‘hes dead but it was meant to be!! its like all my sadness just poofed away’  
    CG: YOU’RE STILL FREAKING OUT  
    CG: AND IT ISN’T HELPING  
    CG: I PROMISE THAT THIS ISN’T AS BAD AS YOU THINK IT IS  
    CG: WHAT I WAS *TRYING* TO GET TO IS THAT IF HE’S REALLY DEAD, THERE ARE STILL OPTIONS  
    GG: what like bury him or leave him out to rot??????   
    GG: i dont know why i asked you for help youre making this so much more awful  
    CG: GOD, GIVE ME A LITTLE CREDIT  
    CG: I MEAN THAT DEATH ISN’T NECESSARILY PERMANENT IN THE GAME  
    CG: IF HIS DREAM SELF IS STILL ALIVE, YOU CAN BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE  
    GG: if youre lying to me it is the meanest thing youve ever done  
    CG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DO YOU REALLY THINK I’M THAT MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE?   
    CG: YOU NEED HELP, AND YOU ASKED FOR HELP  
    CG: I’M GIVING YOU HELP  
    GG: youve done some really nasty things before!!!   
    GG: for pretty much no reason but making me feel bad  
    CG: OKAY, YES, I’M A JERK AND PAST ME IS WORSE THAN CURRENT ME  
    CG: BUT THIS IS SERIOUS AND YOU ASKED ME TO HELP YOU  
    GG: fine  
    GG: what am i supposed to do  
    CG: YOU HAVE TO KISS HIM  
    GG: oh my god  
    GG: youre such a fucking liar i dont know why i thought youd actually be nice and tell me the truth  
    GG: thats sick thats really sick and i hope im never dumb enough to ask you for something again  
    CG: WHAT?   
    CG: NO  
    CG: I’M COMPLETELY SERIOUS  
    CG: IT HAPPENED IN MY SESSION  
    CG: MY BEST FRIEND DIED, AND MY OTHER FRIEND KISSED HIM AND BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE  
    CG: HE WOKE UP ON DERSE, AND IT WAS BACK TO NORMAL  
    CG: SO JUST ROLL HIM OVER AND KISS HIM ON THE LIPS  
    GG: i cant  
    CG: HARLEY  
    CG: THIS IS LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE HIM  
    GG: i cant i CANT  
    GG: theres nowhere to touch him  
    GG: its all blood everywhere and I just touched his shoulder and my fingers SUNK IN  
    GG: karkat i cant do this i really really cant  
    CG: OKAY, LISTEN  
    CG: IF YOU DON’T STEP UP AND DO THIS, THERE IS NOBODY AROUND WHO WILL BE ABLE TO BRING HIM BACK  
    CG: I GET THAT IT SUCKS SERIOUS BULGE  
    CG: BUT IT’S ONLY FOR A MINUTE, AND THEN IT’S ALL DONE  
    CG: THERE HAS TO BE SOME PART OF HIM THAT’S EASIER TO GRAB  
    CG: TRY HIS ARMS  
    CG: OR, LIKE, TURN HIM OVER WITH YOUR FEET  
    GG: im not kicking dave!!!!!   
    CG: HE’LL HAVE A NEW BODY AS SOON AS THIS GETS DONE  
    CG: YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO THIS ONE  
    GG: :/   
    CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT  
    CG: TRY SHUTTING YOUR EYES IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE  
    GG: no thats worse i dont know what im touching  
    GG: okay  
    GG: okay  
    GG: im going to do it  
    CG: THERE YOU GO  
    CG: NOW YOU JUST HAVE TO KISS HIM  
    GG: oh god oh god theres blood everywhere  
    GG: its EVERYWHERE  
    GG: i need a minute  
    GG: oh my god my dress is so bloody its STICKING TO MY LEGS DDDDD:   
    GG: karkat i cant do this  
    CG: CALM DOWN  
    CG: YOU’RE ALMOST DONE  
    CG: YOU CAN BURN THE FUCKING DRESS WHEN YOU’RE DONE IF THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER  
    GG: okay  
    GG: i just have to kiss him??  
    GG: you PROMISE??????   
    CG: JUST ONE KISS  
    CG: IF I'M LYING, YOU CAN HAVE ONE COMPLIMENTARY KICK TO MY SHAME GLOBES  
    GG: one kiss  
    GG: okay  
    CG: THERE YOU GO  
    CG: I CAN SEE HIM AWAKE ON DERSE  
    CG: DO YOU WANT TO MESSAGE HIM?   
    GG: no  
    GG: i dont think i can handle that right now  
    CG: IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT ME TO DO?   
    GG: i dont think so  
    GG: i just want to go home  
    GG: i want my own bedroom  
    CG: THAT’S PRETTY UNDERSTANDABLE AT THIS POINT  
    CG: LOOK, I’M A BUSY GUY, BUT IF YOU WANT TO CHECK IN WITH ME WHEN YOU WAKE UP, YOU CAN DO THAT  
    GG: i think i will  
    GG: can  
    GG: maybe can you keep an eye on dave for me?   
    CG: YEAH, THAT’S A THING I CAN DO  
    CG: AND YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET SOME SLEEP  
    CG: YOU LOOK PRETTY AWFUL  
    GG: ….thanks :/   
    GG: but also actually thank you  
    GG: i dont know what i would have done on my own  
    GG: ill get in touch again as soon as i feel up to it  
    CG: OKAY  
    CG: I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON  
    CG: I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU LATER  
    GG: bye!!!   
    GG: and karkat  
    GG: thank you again  
  
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	22. Remember How, After A Lot Of Discussion, The Scourge Sisters Decided They'd Become The Scourge Siblings?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for gender dysphoria and discussion of gender identity in this story.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]  
  
    GC: H3Y  
    GC: YOU R34DY FOR TOMORROW??   
    AG: You 8et!   
    AG: Who are we up against?   
    AG: Team Charge?   
    GC: NO  
    GC: SOM3 GUYS 1V3 N3V3R H34RD OF B3FOR3  
    GC: BUT ONL1N3 GOSS1P SUGG3STS TH3 V1OL3T ON TH3 T34M R3GUL4RLY T4K3S TH1NGS TOO F4R 4ND M4K3S 4 PO1NT OF K1LL1NG D3F34T3D OPPON3NTS  
    GC: 4ND H1S T34MM4T3 1SNT MUCH B3TT3R  
    AG: So would you say we’ve got some lusus food lined up?   
    AG: :::;)   
    GC: S33MS SO >:]  
    AG: Yes!!!!!!!!   
    AG: Mom’s 8een giving me soooooooo much crap l8ly.   
    AG: You’d think I never 8ring anyone home for her.   
    AG: The Scourge Sisters are gonna kick some ass!!!!!!!!   
    GC: …  
    GC: HMM  
    AG: What?   
    AG: Do you NOT want to kick ass or s8mething?   
    GC: NO  
    GC: 1M 4 B1G F4N OF 4SS K1CK1NG  
     AG: So wh8t exactly is your pro8lem, then?   
    AG: Is y8ur pro8lem ME?   
    GC: NO!!   
    GC: 1 4M 4LSO 4 B1G F4N OF YOU  
    AG: Okay, so wh8t is g8ing on?   
    AG: 8ecause y8u’re the one who initi8ed t8morrow’s Flarping, and 8’m totally on 8oard, and all 8f a sudden, y8u’re all ‘hmmm’ 8nd n8t wanting to h8ng 8ut after 8ll and wh8t am 8 supp8sed t8 th8nk?   
    GC: OH MY GOD, STOP M4K1NG TH1S 4LL 4BOUT YOU  
    GC: 1 W4NT TO H4NG OUT 4ND FL4RP 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG  
    GC: 1M JUST  
    GC: NOT SO SUR3 4BOUT TH3 N4M3 SCOURG3 S1ST3RS  
    AG: Wh8t’s wrong with it?   
    AG: We’re Te8m Scourge, and we’re 8asically sisters, so it’s pr8tty much perfect for us.   
    GC: Y34H  
    GC: 1 GU3SS  
    AG: Look, y8u keep s8ying things 8re fine 8nd they’re o8viously n8t, so could y8u may8e just spit it out alre8dy????????   
    GC: WH4T 1F 1 DONT F33L MUCH L1KE 4 S1STER??   
    AG: 8h my g8d, I knew it, y8u d8n’t w8nt to h8ng out w8th me.   
    GC: TH1S H4S NOTH1NG TO DO W1TH YOU >:[  
    AG: 8h w8w, th8t m8kes me feel s8 m8ch 8etter!!!!!!!!   
    GC: UGH  
    GC: LOOK  
    GC: YOU N33D TO C4LM DOWN  
    GC: 1M S4Y1NG TH4T YOU 4ND 1 4R3 P3RF3CTLY F1N3 4ND 1M JUST TRY1NG TO SORT SOM3 OTH3R TH1NGS OUT  
    GC: 1 L1KE B31NG FR13NDS 4ND FL4RP1NG ON TH3 S4M3 T34M 4ND K1CK1NG 4SS TOG3TH3R  
    GC: 1M JUST NOT SO SUR3 1M COMFORT4BL3 W1TH TH3 WORD S1STERS  
    AG: What’s not comforta8le a8out it?   
    AG: I d8n’t see what the prob8lem is  
    GC: HMM  
    GC: L3T’S TRY 1T TH1S W4Y  
    GC: WH4T WOULD YOU TH1NK 1F 1 TOLD 4R4D14 YOUR3 4CTU4LLY 4 GUY??   
    AG: Uhhhhhhhh, you’d be wrong 8ecause I’m defin8ely a girl.   
    GC: OK4Y  
    GC: TH3N YOUR3 WRONG WH3N YOU S4Y 1M 4 S1ST3R  
    AG: Are you saying you’re a guy????????   
    GC: M4YB3?? >:?  
    GC: 1 DONT KNOW  
    AG: 8ut you and I came up with Scourge Sisters t8gether.   
    AG: Actually, I’m pr8tty sure it was your idea!   
    AG: Also, y8u t8tally have a mom, even if she’s st8ll an egg.   
    AG: How can you 8e a guy 8nd have a mom????????   
    GC: 1M NOT 4 GUY!!   
    GC: OR 1M NOT JUST 4 GUY  
    GC: 1 JUST S41D 1 DONT KNOW  
    AG: Ok8y, I’m trying to see wh8re y8u’re coming fr8m here, 8ut how can you not KNOW wh8t you are?   
    GC: GOSH 1T WOULD B3 N1C3 1F 1 KN3W TH4T >:/  
    GC: SOM3T1M3S 1 F33L JUST L1K3 4 G1RL!!   
    GC: BUT SOM3T1M3S TH4T F33LS R34LLY R34LLY WRONG 4ND 1M SUR3 1M 4 GUY  
    GC: OR YOU KNOW  
    GC: 1 3ND UP 1N 4 W31RD 1N B3TW33N PL4C3 TH4T 1 DONT KNOW HOW TO D3SCR1B3  
    AG: 8ut  
    AG: You were 8asically h8tched as a girl, right?   
    AG: So why don’t y8u think that you’re just a girl?   
    GC: 1 DON’T KNOW  
    GC: G1RLS 4ND BOYS H4V3 4LL TH3 S4M3 P4RTS R1GHT??   
    GC: WHY 4R3 YOU SO SUR3 YOUR3 NOT 4 BOY??   
    AG: 8ecause I’m NOT.   
    AG: …   
    AG: Ohhhhhhhh, I get it.   
    GC: >:]  
    AG: 8ut I still don’t get why that happens?   
    AG: 8ecause you said you’re fine 8eing a girl sometimes. Except you aren’t fine with it other times?   
    GC: Y34H, 1 DONT R34LLY KNOW WH4TS DR1V1NG TH4T  
    GC: 1 DONT TH1NK 1 W4S V3RY 4W4R3 OF 1T WH3N 1 W4S YOUNG3R  
    GC: BUT SOM3T1M3S P3OPL3 WOULD R3F3R TO M3 4S 4 G1RL 4ND 1T JUST F3LT R34LLY R34LLY WRONG  
    GC: 1 D1DNT G3T WHY FOR 4 LONG T1M3  
    GC: BUT 1 M4D3 SOM3 ONL1N3 4CCOUNTS 4S 4 GUY 4ND 1T F3LT R34LLY N1C3 TO B3 C4LLED ‘H3’  
    GC: BUT ONLY SOM3T1M3S!!   
    GC: 4ND SOM3TIM3S ‘H3’ 4ND ‘SH3’ BOTH DONT F1T 4ND 1M NOT SUR3 WH4T TO DO  
    GC: 1T 4LL CH4NG3S FROM N1GHT TO N1GHT 4ND 1S 3XTR3M3LY FRUSTR4T1NG >:[  
    AG: Huh.   
    AG: You’re pretty weird.   
    GC: …TH4NKS >:/  
    AG: I meant th8t in a nice way!   
    AG: I don’t really get what you’re saying, 8ut you also h8 lying, so you’re pro8a8ly telling the truth.   
    GC: SUCH 4 R1NG1NG 3NDORS3M3NT!!   
    AG: I’m trying to say th8t I 8elieve you!   
    AG: I don’t understand it, 8ut I’m trying to listen to wh8t you’re telling me.   
    AG: So you aren’t happy with Scourge Sisters as our 8adass team name.   
    GC: 1 TH1NK 1T M1GHT M4K3 YOU UNCOMFORT4BL3 1F W3 W3R3 TH3 SCOURG3 BROTH3RS  
    AG: Yeah, that wouldn’t be the 8est.   
    GC: 1 DONT W4NT TO K1CK UP 4 B1G FUSS OV3R MOST STUFF  
    GC: 3SP3C14LLY S1NCE 1M ST1LL SORT1NG OUT HOW 1 F33L 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG CH4NG3S SO OFT3N TH4T 3V3N 1 H4V3 TROUBL3 K33PING TR4CK OF 1T 4LL  
    GC: BUT L1TTL3 TH1NGS H3LP  
    GC: 4ND 1T WOULD M34N 4 LOT TO H4V3 4 T34M N4M3 TH4T F1T M3 4LW4YS 1NST34D OF JUST SOM3T1M3S  
    AG: I guess I can see how that makes sense.  
    AG: So what should we do? Go 8ack to only 8eing plain old Team Scourge?   
    GC: 1T DO3SNT R34LLY H4V3 TH3 S4M3 R1NG TO 1T DO3S 1T?? >:[  
    AG: It does sound pretty l8me ::::/   
    GC: SCOURG3 S1ST3RS H4D SUCH LOV3LY 4LL1T3R4T1ON  
    AG: So we need something like the ‘scourge nouns’ or the ‘noun scourges’  
    GC: OH!!   
    GC: TH1S 1S SO P3RF3CT  
    GC: 1 C4NT B3L13V3 1 D1DNT TH1NK OF TH1S B3FOR3 W3 ST4RT3D T4LK1NG  
    GC: THE SCOURG3 S1BL1NGS  
    AG: Huh. I can actually get 8ehind that one!   
    GC: 1TS GOT TH3 S4M3 1N1T14LS 4ND TH3 S4M3 RHYTHM 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG!!   
    AG: It’s even pr8tty catchy!   
    AG: The Scourge Si8lings!   
    AG: Everyone will know it’s still us! And it even has a 8 in it, which is 8asically the coolest letter out there.   
    GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU M1GHT L1K3 TH4T P4RT >:]  
    AG: So we’re still good for tomorrow?   
    AG: With our 8adass new team name?   
    GC: YOU B3T!!   
    GC: 1 THOUGHT 1 W4S 3XC1T3D B3FOR3 BUT NOW 1M F1R3D UP L1K3 YOU WOULDNT B3L13V3!!   
    AG: Awesome!   
    AG: We’re going to totally kick so much 8utt!!!!!!!! >::::)  
    GC: 3V3N MOR3 BUTT TH4N USU4L!!   
    GC: 1NNOC3NT BYST4ND3RS W1LL B3 L3FT R33LING  
    GC: TH3Y M4Y N3V3R R3COV3R FROM S331NG SO MUCH BUTT B31NG K1CK3D 1N 4 S1NGL3 S1TT1NG  
    AG: Meeting at your hive first thing tomorrow evening?   
    GC: TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 4 PL4N!!   
    AG: Perfect!   
    AG: Then I guess I’ll 8e seeing you soon!   
    AG: You’d 8etter get a good day’s rest so you can keep up with me!!!!!!!!   
    GC: H4H4H4 OR M4YB3 YOU SHOULD B3 TH3 ON3 WORRY1NG 4BOUT K33P1NG UP W1TH M3!!   
    GC: 1LL S33 YOU TOMORROW  
    AG: You 8et!   
    AG: 8ye!   
    GC: BY3!!   
  
gallowsCallibrator [GC] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]


	23. Remember When Cronus Wanted To Do Something Classically Human Romantic For Roxy, So He Got A Boom Box And Held It Under Her Window On A Warm Summer Night?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (and maybe his song choice wasn't totally spot on?)
> 
> Warning: Drug mention (because of Cronus's poor choice in a romantic song)

          Okay, see, you’re totally not going to screw this one up. You’ve actually got a _chance_ with someone for the first time in your life, afterlife, and second life, which is way too long for a guy to go without even the prospect of maybe possibly scoring with someone. She’s even a human too and how hot is that? And uh, yeah, you kinda probably pushed a bit too hard at first because, you know. You’re a great guy and people end up leading you on and jerking you around because you’re really nice and they think they can take advantage of you, so you end up pushing back these days. A defensive reaction, y’know? You just have to protect yourself so you don’t get hurt, and what do you know, most times when you get a bit mean with people they show their true colors, and what do you know, you’re totally not interested in them anyways. Yeah.  
  
         But Roxy, man. She’s kind of so cool that you don’t know how you ever got so lucky, even though she’s totally the kinda person you’ve always deserved. She was always nice, and you were nice back, because hey, you _are_ a nice guy, and when you got all vulnerable and flirted she was all great and didn’t go putting you down just to make herself feel big. But you had to get to pushing her sometime because otherwise you were just going to get burned, and you don’t deserve that. It was kind of weird, because you’re used to people getting mean when you push at them, but she was all acting like it wasn’t even a thing. She laughed and told you to stop fronting, and uh, you aren’t maybe as up on your human slang as you thought, but you’re pretty sure she wasn’t even mad at you.  
  
         And you know, at some point you didn’t even think you had to push at her anymore. And you were just _you,_ which was _great_ , because none of your friends actually appreciate you for who you are even when you’re all nice to them, and now you catch yourself feeling kind of bad that you ever said anything nasty to Roxy, because she’s on your level and she didn’t deserve anything like that. Also, last night she _kissed_ you, actually kissed you, and uh, you aren’t admitting this to anyone at all, but maybe you don’t really have much (any) experience in the way of being kissed, and at this point you think you’d do absolutely _anything_ for her.  
  
         You’re going to blow her mind with how well you can do human romance. Never mind that you’ve never gotten to really try human romance (or troll romance) with anyone before, you’re still going to sweep her off her feet. Somehow. After she kissed you, you maybe spent the whole day up trying to figure out how to best communicate your feelings to her. You must have read dozens of human dating advice sites, because you might maybe possibly sort of have a human girlfriend. Not a matesprit, a _girlfriend!_ And then you listened to love songs until you got a headache and watched human romance movies until your eyes weren’t focusing right anymore. It’s hard to keep track of these films when their titles don’t actually tell you anything about what’s happening, but you think you might have found the perfect idea. You saw the human man outside the woman’s window, holding up the portable audio amplification device and blasting that one song, and you think you could totally pull that off.  
  
         You got so excited you didn’t even finish the movie. She probably hasn’t ever seen this little nothing film, but you’re not going to copy it _exactly_ because you’re your own original person with original ideas, but it’s like. Inspiration. You’re at least going to pick a different song, because you have incredible taste in music. In fact, you think you just heard the perfect song a few hours ago. And yeah, the more you listen to the lyrics, the more it fits. ‘There she goes again, racing through my brain.’ It’s all perfect for her because you _can’t_ stop thinking about her and people find that romantic, right? ‘I just can’t contain this feeling that remains’ and ‘no one else could heal my pain’ and _yeah,_ it’s like this song was meant for you and her, and she’s going to fall head over heels in human love with you.  
  
         You try it out the very next night because waiting is for chumps. You bother Meulin over trollian to tell you when Roxy gets back to her hive—home—so often that she tells you to stop being a cr33p!  >:(( But then you finally get your chance and Roxy’s there, and it’s only the light in her respiteblock that’s still on, and then it’s showtime. You went to a lot of trouble to alchemize a genuine human portable audio amplification device, and you made sure you could set it _extra_ loud, just to be sure she heard you. Your phone goes off once or twice, people telling you to shut uuuuup, but they aren’t Roxy (so you ignore them).  
  
         When she opens her window and leans on the sill, she uh. Doesn’t look exactly lovestruck but she doesn’t look angry either. She’s kind of laughing? And you’re not sure how to take that, and this is way off script, so you stand there holding the portable audio amplification device over your head until the song peters out into nothing. You don’t quite hit the stop button before the music starts to loop and _ugh,_ you fucked up, you look like a total _dork,_ and hopefully she’s too far away to see you blushing. She still claps for you, and she’s still laughing, but she’s also smiling, so maybe this is okay?  
  
         “What’s up, Cro-bro? I see you’re all up in my boudoir with mad romance moves like whoa. The ol’ boombox over the head trick. I’m all swooning up here!”  
  
         Your fins droop a bit, but. She’s probably too far away to tell, you can totally play this cool. “This is a thing that humans usually do?”  
  
         “Traditional part of our exotic human courtship process! Don’t worry, I’d be totes hurt if you hadn’t tried it.”  
  
         Oh. Oh! This was right, then. Okay, maybe you aren’t the human second coming of Casanova (is that even a human thing?) but you definitely just did a smooth boyfriend thing. If a boyfriend is a thing you are. She’s saying something though and you’ve gotten distracted, and you pay attention again right quick.  
  
         “A girl kinda has to question your choice of song, though! I don’t know whether to be flattered or what! You’re all mixing it up with your metaphors and getting adventurous, huh?”  
  
         “What? No, this is so romantic. It’s perfect!”  
  
         She’s laughing real hard and leaning up against the side of the window now. “That song’s definitely about drugs! I’m your heroin, huh? Or, uh, I guess I’d be your intravenous dose of sopor? Is that a thing?”  
  
         “No, no, see,” and you’re blushing real hard and your fins are drooping because holy _shit_ you were supposed to look all cool and you’re totally embarrassing yourself, “It’s because _you’re_ racing through my veins. In the. Metaphorical sense. Because um. You’re in my bloodpusher, and it’s like, you know, the emotion inside me—“  
  
          She stops laughing, even though she’s still grinning from ear to ear. “Aww no, don’t be down on yourself! I’m totes flattered. Look at me being all flattered up here. In fact you totally oughta come up here to see for yourself how flattered I am.”  
  
         Your fins perk right back up at that. “You mean it?”  
  
         “Wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t serious! If you don’t get your butt up here, how am I supposed to swoon all over you?”  
  
         It’s so uncool, it’s so aggressively, painfully uncool, but it slips out before you can catch yourself. “Do you think we might be able to make out?” Well. Not after a question like that, you’re not.  
  
         She just laughs, though, and it doesn’t sound unkind at all. “I think sloppy makeouts could possibly be a thing in our future! It would take some _heavy_ negotiations though, wink wonk.”  
  
         You laugh too, even as you’re heading for her door. “Did you actually just wink out loud? Is that a thing that really happened?”  
  
         “What can I say? I winked so hard it musta spread to my vocal cords. That was some full body winkage right there. Now I need some big strong arms to throw myself into, so I sure hope you come up soon.”  
  
         You’re grinning like a dork and you don’t even care. Yeah. Yeah, you think that’s a thing you can do.


	24. Remember When John Had Rose Knit Him A Sexy Dick Cozy, Complete With Googly Eyes, To Seduce Dave?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for discussion of sex-related things, but there's no sexual content

    “Rose, I need your help!”  
  
    John comes barreling into the room, but you take the time to finish the paragraph you are reading before carefully marking your page and putting your book down. “I am willing to believe that, but I think I will need a _few_ more particulars before I can do anything about it.”  
  
    “Well, okay. So. Dave. Dave and me. That’s a thing.”  
  
    “Really? I hadn’t noticed.” He makes a face at you, and you can’t help smiling before you go on. “How may I be of assistance?”  
  
    “So, we’ve been doing stuff for a while. Together. But we haven’t gone, y’know. _All the way._ ” You open your mouth and he cuts you off with, “And _don’t_ say something about ‘please elaborate further’ or whatever because I know you know what I mean.”  
  
    “I think you may know me too well,” you laugh. “But I’m afraid I don’t know what you’ve come to me for. This does seem like it should be a private matter between the two of you.”  
  
    “Oh! Yeah, it’s definitely that. I think we’re both ready. We’ve been talking and stuff. But I want to _really_ make this special for him.”  
  
    “So how does this come back to me?”  
  
    “Accessories!”  
  
    You pause. “I think that you have as much access to our assorted alchemizing devices as I do, and I do believe that a lady is entitled to _some_ secrets.”  
  
    He goes beet red. “Oh jeez, no, I don’t mean anything like _that!!_ I was wondering if you could knit me something.”  
  
    Frankly, you’re lost. You let the silence stretch on, but John’s still red and fidgeting, and finally you hazard, “Something being…?”  
  
    You’re barely able to hear what he says, but it sounds incredibly similar to ‘dick cozy.’ When you ask him to repeat himself, yes, it certainly was a dick cozy that he just asked you for. And then, staring determinedly down at his feet, he adds, “With googly eyes.”  
  
    You’re left speechless. You cannot imagine any world in which you would have seen this coming. Your mouth opens and closes several times before you speak, and then all you can say is, “I feel compelled to ask _why._ ”  
  
    “No, it makes so much sense!” You give him a _look_ and he laughs. “Okay, it makes some sense. It’s the perfect thing for the two of us! It combines my prankster’s gambit, because he’ll pull down my pants expecting to find… bits, and instead there’ll be googly eyes. And it’s ironic because it’s not even a piece of clothing, but I’ll be wearing it like that doesn’t even matter. Does that count to Dave as ironic? I can never tell with him.”  
  
    You pause, waiting for more, for a punchline or a real explanation, but no, this seems to be the whole of it. John is grinning at you now, and, well. It isn’t like you were doing much with your afternoon anyways. “Color me intrigued. I think I can be of assistance.” You can’t help but smile as you add, “As a matter of fact, I have a suitable pattern already saved to my laptop.”  
  
    John laughs and laughs at that. While you bring up the pattern, he decaptchalogues an impressively large box of googly eyes, and asks for your opinion on this pair or that. He is positively astonished at the wide variety of cozies that can be constructed from the base pattern, though he ultimately decides on a basic one in a simple color. You do manage to persuade him to let you add little yarn arms to the sides, a touch you are _sure_ Dave will appreciate. He sits and talks with you while you knit it up, and you manage to keep a straight face when you tell him you’ll expect pictures, and he freezes for a moment before he realizes you’re joking. Once you’re finished and he’s tried the cozy on (with your back turned, of course) and declared himself satisfied, you send him off on his way and return to your book. A few hours later, you receive a message.

    TG: hey   
    TG: so  
    TG: do you take commissions


End file.
